foundation for your hopes, I will bear up and rely on the hope you suggest. But if, as seems probable to me, your hopes are ill-founded, then I will do now what you would not let me do before, though the time is far less appropriate.
Terentia often expresses her gratitude to you. The thing I most fear among all my misfortunes is my poor brother’s business: if I knew the exact state of affairs, I might know what to do about it. I am Me etiam nunc istorum beneficiorum et litterarum exspectatio, ut tibi placet, Thessalonicae tenet. Si quid erit novi allatum, sciam, de reliquo quid agendum sit. Tu si, ut scribis, Kal. Iuniis Roma profectus es, prope diem nos videbis. Litteras, quas ad Pompeium scripsi, tibi misi.
Data Id. Iun. Thessalonicae.
X CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae XIV K. Quint. a. 696_] Acta quae essent usque ad VIII Kal. Iunias, cognovi ex tuis litteris; reliqua exspectabam, ut tibi placebat, Thessalonicae. Quibus adlatis facilius statuere potero, ubi sim. Nam, si erit causa, si quid agetur, si spem videro, aut ibidem opperiar aut me ad te conferam; sin, ut tu scribis, ista evanuerint, aliquid aliud videbimus. Omnino adhuc nihil mihi significatis nisi discordiam istorum; quae tamen inter eos de omnibus potius rebus est quam de me. Itaque, quid ea mihi prosit, nescio, sed tamen, quoad me vos sperare vultis, vobis obtemperabo. Nam, quod me tam saepe et tam vehementer obiurgas et animo infirmo esse dicis, quaeso, ecquod tantum malum est, quod in mea calamitate non sit?
ecquis umquam tam ex amplo statu, tam in bona causa, tantis facultatibus ingenii, consilii, gratiae, tantis praesidiis bonorum omnium concidit?
Possum oblivisci, qui fuerim, non sentire, qui sim, quo caream honore, qua gloria, quibus liberis, quibus fortunis, quo fratre? Quem ego, ut novum calamitatis genus attendas, cum pluris facerem quam me following your advice and still staying at Thessalonica in hope of the advantages you mention and of letters. When I get some news, I shall be able to shape my course of action. If you started from Rome on the first of June, as you say, I shall very soon see you. I have sent you the letter I wrote to Pompey.
Thessalonica, 13 June.
X CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
Your letter has posted me up in political news to May 25: and I am awaiting the course of events at Thessalonica, as you suggest. When I hear more, I shall know where to be. For if there is any excuse, if anything is being done, if I see a ray of hope, I shall either wait here or pay you a visit: but if, as you say in your letter, those hopes have vanished into air I shall look for something else. At present you do not give me the least hint of anything except the disagreement of those friends of yours: and they are quarrelling about anything rather than me, so I do not see what good it will do me. But, as long as you wish me to hope, I will bow to your wishes. You frequently reproach me strongly for weak-heartedness: but I should like to know if I have been spared any hardship in my misfortune. Did anyone ever fall from such a high estate in such a good cause, especially when he was so well endowed with genius and good sense, so popular and so strongly supported by all honest men? Can I forget what I was? Can I help feeling what I am? Can I help missing my honour and fame, my children, my fortune and my brother?
That is a fresh misfortune for you to contemplate.
ipsum semperque fecissem, vitavi ne viderem, ne aut illius luctum squaloremque aspicerem aut me, quem ille florentissimum reliquerat, perditum illi adflictumque offerrem. Mitto cetera intolerabilia; etenim fletu impedior. Hic utrum tandem sum accusandus, quod doleo, an quod commisi, ut haec aut non retinerem, quod facile fuisset, nisi intra parietes meos de mea pernicie consilia inirentur, aut certe vivus non amitterem?
Haec eo scripsi, ut potius relevares me, quod facis, quam ut castigatione aut obiurgatione dignum putares, eoque ad te minus multa scribo, quod et maerore impedior et, quod exspectem istinc, magis habeo, quam quod ipse scribam. Quae si erunt allata, faciam te consilii nostri certiorem. Tu, ut adhuc fecisti, quam plurimis de rebus ad me velim scribas, ut prorsus ne quid ignorem.
Data XIIII Kal. Quintiles Thessalonicae.
XI CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae IV K. Quint. a. 696_] Me et tuae litterae et quidam boni nuntii, non optimis tamen auctoribus, et exspectatio vestrarum litterarum, et quod tibi ita placuerat, adhuc Thessalonicae tenebat. Si accepero litteras, quas exspecto, si spes erit ea, quae rumoribus adferebatur, ad te me conferam; si non erit faciam te certiorem, quid I have avoided seeing my brother, though I love him and always have loved him better than myself, for fear that I should see him in his grief and misery, or that I, from whom he had parted in the height of prosperity, should present myself to him in ruin and humiliation. Of other things too hard to bear, I will say nothing: my tears prevent me.
And what pray is it that calls for reproof? My grief, or my sin in not retaining my position,—which would have been easy enough, if there had not been a conspiracy for my ruin within my own walls,—or that I should not have lost it without losing life too?
My object in wanting thus is to call for your ready sympathy, instead of seeming to deserve your reproaches and reproofs, and the reason why I write less than usual is partly that my sorrow prevents me, and partly that I have more reason to expect news from you than to write to you.
When I get your news, I will give you a clearer idea of my plans. Please continue to write fully about things as you have at present, that no detail may escape me.
Thessalonica, 17 June.
XI CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
At present I am kept at Thessalonica by your letter and by some good news, which however has not the best authority. Besides I am waiting for your note, and you expressed your desire that I should stay here. As soon as I receive the note I am waiting for, I will come to you, if the hope, which has reached me by rumour, is confirmed. If not, I will let you know my movements. Please continue to egerim. Tu me, ut facis, opera, consilio, gratia iuva; consolari iam desine, obiurgare vero noli; quod cum facis, ut ego tuum amorem et dolorem desidero! Quem ita adfectum mea aerumna esse arbitror, ut te ipsum consolari nemo possit. Quintum fratrem optimum humanissimumque sustenta. Ad me obsecro te ut omnia certa perscribas.
Data IIII Kal. Quintiles.
XII CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae XVI Kal. Sext. a. 696_] Tu quidem sedulo argumentaris, quid sit sperandum et maxime per senatum, idemque caput rogationis proponi scribis, quare in senatu dici nihil liceat. Itaque siletur. Hic tu me accusas, quod me adflictem, cum ita sim adflictus ut nemo umquam, quod tute intellegis. Spem ostendis secundum comitia. Quae ista est eodem tribuno pl. et inimico consule designato? Percussisti autem me etiam de oratione prolata. Cui vulneri, ut scribis, medere, si quid potes. Scripsi equidem olim ei iratus, quod ille prior scripserat, sed ita compresseram, ut numquam emanaturam putarem. Quo modo exciderit, nescio. Sed, quia numquam accidit, ut cum eo verbo uno concertarem, et quia scripta mihi videtur neglegentius quam ceterae, puto posse probari non esse meam. Id, si exert your energy, your wits and your influence on my behalf. I don’t ask for encouragement: but please don’t find fault with me; for when you do that, I feel as though I had lost your affection and your sympathy, though I am sure you take my misfortune so to heart, that you yourself are inconsolable. Lend a helping hand to Quintus, the best and kindest of brothers, and for mercy’s sake let me have all the definite news there is.
June 27.
XII CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
You lay great stress on the hopes I may entertain, especially of action on the part of the Senate; yet at the same time you write that the clause forbidding any mention of my case in the House is being posted up. So no one opens his mouth. Then you accuse me of distressing myself, though, as you know quite well, I have more reason for distress than ever mortal had. You hold out hopes to me on the results of the elections. What hope is there, if the same tribune is re-elected and a consul elect is my enemy? Your news too that my speech[98] has been published is a blow to me. Heal the wound, if possible, as you propose.
In my indignation I paid him back in his own coin: but I had suppressed it so carefully, that I thought it would never leak out. How it has, I can’t imagine. But since it so happens that I have never said a word against him, and this appears to me to be more carelessly written than my other speeches, I should think it could be passed off as some one else’s work. If you think my case is not Footnote 98: A speech against Curio, not extant.
putas me posse sanari, cures velim; sin plane perii, minus laboro.
Ego etiam nunc eodem in loco iaceo sine sermone ullo, sine cogitatione ulla. Licet tibi, ut scribis, significaram, ut ad me venires, dudum tamen[99] intellego te istic prodesse, hic ne verbo quidem levare me posse. Non queo plura scribere, nec est, quod scribam; vestra magis exspecto.
Data XVI Kal. Sextiles Thessalonicae.
XIII CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae Non. Sext. a. 696_] Quod ad te scripseram me in Epiro futurum, posteaquam extenuari spem nostram et evanescere vidi, mutavi consilium nec me Thessalonica commovi, ubi esse statueram, quoad aliquid ad me de eo scriberes, quod proximis litteris scripseras, fore uti secundum comitia aliquid de nobis in senatu ageretur; id tibi Pompeium dixisse. Qua de re, quoniam comitia habita sunt, tuque nihil ad me scribis, proinde habebo, ac si scripsisses nihil esse, meque temporis non longinqui spe ductum esse non[100] moleste feram. Quem autem motum te videre scripseras, qui nobis utilis fore videretur, eum nuntiant, qui veniunt, nullum fore. In tribunis pl. designatis reliqua spes est. Quam si exspectaro, non erit, quod putes me causae meae, voluntati meorum defuisse.
Footnote 99: dudum tamen _Koch_; si donatum ut _M_.
Footnote 100: non _added by Tyrrell_.
hopeless, please give your attention to the matter; but if I am past praying for, then I don’t much mind about it.
I am still lying dormant at the same place, and neither speak nor think.
Though, as you say, I did suggest that you should come to me, I see now that you are useful to me where you are, while here you could not find even a word of comfort to lighten my sorrows. I cannot write more, nor have I anything to say. Therefore, I am all the more anxious for your news.
Thessalonica, July 17.
XIII CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
I changed my mind about the proposed journey to Epirus when I saw my hope growing less and less and finally vanishing, and have not moved from Thessalonica, where I proposed to stay till you should send me some news of what you mentioned on Pompey’s authority in your last letter, that my case might come before the House after the elections. And so, now the elections are over and I get no news from you, I shall take that as equivalent to your writing and saying that nothing has come of it, nor shall I regret that the hope which buoyed me up has not lasted long.
As for the movement that appeared to be in my favour, which you said you foresaw, new arrivals here assure me that it won’t come off. The only hope left is in the tribunes elect: and if I wait till that is settled, you will have no right to regard me as a traitor to my own cause and to my friends’ wishes.
Quod me saepe accusas, cur hunc meum casum tam graviter feram, debes ignoscere, cum ita me adflictum videas, ut neminem umquam nec videris nec audieris. Nam, quod scribis te audire me etiam mentis errore ex dolore adfici, mihi vero mens integra est. Atque utinam tam in periculo fuisset! cum ego iis, quibus meam salutem carissimam esse arbitrabar, inimicissimis crudelissimisque usus sum; qui, ut me paulum inclinari timore viderunt, sic impulerunt, ut omni suo scelere et perfidia abuterentur ad exitium meum. Nunc, quoniam est Cyzicum nobis eundum, quo rarius ad me litterae perferentur, hoc velim diligentius omnia, quae putaris me scire opus esse, perscribas. Quintum fratrem meum fac diligas; quem ego miser si incolumem relinquo, non me totum perisse arbitrabor.
Data Nonis Sextilibus.
XIV CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae XII K. Sext. a. 696_] Ex tuis litteris plenus sum exspectatione de Pompeio, quidnam de nobis velit aut ostendat. Comitia enim credo esse habita; quibus absolutis scribis illi placuisse agi de nobis. Si tibi stultus esse videor, qui sperem, facio tuo iussu, et scio te me iis epistulis potius et meas spes solitum esse remorari. Nunc velim mihi plane perscribas, quid videas.
Scio nos nostris multis peccatis in hanc aerumnam incidisse. Ea si qui casus aliqua ex parte correxerit, minus moleste feremus nos vixisse et adhuc vivere.
Instead of blaming me so often for taking my troubles so seriously, you ought to pardon me, as you see that my afflictions surpass all that you have ever seen or heard of. You say you have heard that my mind is becoming unhinged with grief: my mind is sound enough. Would that it had been as sound in the hour of danger, when I found those my cruelest enemies who I thought had my salvation most at heart. As soon as they saw I had lost my balance a little through fear, they used all their malice and treachery to thrust me to my doom. Now that I have to go to Cyzicus, where your letters will reach me less frequently, please be all the more careful to give me a thorough account of everything you think I ought to know. Be a good friend to my brother Quintus, for, if I leave him unharmed by my fall, I shall not regard myself as utterly overwhelmed.
August 5.
XIV CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
Your letter has filled me with hopes of Pompey’s intentions or professed intentions as regards me. For I think the elections have been held, and it is when they are over you say he has decided to have my affair brought forward. If you think me foolish for hoping, I only do what you bid me to do, and I know your letters generally are more inclined to restrain me and my hopes than to encourage them. Now please tell me plainly and fully what you see. I know it is through many faults of my own that I have fallen into this misery: and if fate mends my faults even partially, I shall be less disgusted both with my past and my present existence.
Ego propter viae celebritatem et cotidianam exspectationem rerum novarum non commovi me adhuc Thessalonica. Sed iam extrudimur non a Plancio (nam is quidem retinet), verum ab ipso loco minime apposito ad tolerandam in tanto luctu calamitatem. In Epirum ideo, ut scripseram, non ii, quod subito mihi universi nuntii venerant et litterae, quare nihil esset necesse quam proxime Italiam esse. Hinc, si aliquid a comitiis audierimus, nos in Asiam convertemus; neque adhuc stabat quo potissimum, sed scies.
Data XII Sextiles Thessalonicae.
XV CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae XIV K. Sept. a. 696_] Accepi Idibus Sextilibus quattuor epistulas a te missas, unam, qua me obiurgas et rogas, ut sim firmior, alteram, qua Crassi libertum ais tibi de mea sollicitudine macieque narrasse, tertiam, qua demonstras acta in senatu, quartam de eo, quod a Varrone scribis tibi esse confirmatum de voluntate Pompei. Ad primam tibi hoc scribo, me ita dolere, ut non modo a mente non deserar, sed id ipsum doleam, me tam firma mente ubi utar et quibuscum non habere. Nam, si tu me uno non sine maerore cares, quid me censes, qui et te et omnibus? et, si tu incolumis me requiris, quo modo a me ipsam incolumitatem desiderari putas? Nolo commemorare, quibus rebus The amount of traffic on the roads and the daily expectation of a change of government have prevented me from leaving Thessalonica at present.
But now I am forced to quit, not by Plancius—who wants me to stop—but by the nature of the place, which is not at all suitable to help one to bear such distress and misfortune. I did not go to Epirus as I said I should, since all the news and all the letters that have reached me lately have shown me that there was no necessity to remain very near Italy. If I get any important news from the scene of the elections, I shall betake myself to Asia, when I leave here. Where exactly, is not yet fixed: but I will let you know.
Thessalonica, July 21.
XV CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
On August 13 I received four letters from you,—one in terms of reproof, urging me to firmness, another telling me of Crassus’ freedman’s account of my careworn appearance, a third relating the doings in the House, and a fourth containing Varro’s confirmation of your opinion as to Pompey’s wishes. My answer to the first is that though I am distressed, it has not unhinged my mind: nay, I am even distressed that, though my mind is so sound, I have neither place nor opportunity for using it. For, if you feel the loss of a single friend like myself, what do you suppose my feelings are, when I have lost you and every one else? And if you, on whom no ban of outlawry has fallen, miss my presence, you can imagine the aching void outlawry leaves in me. I will not mention all that I sim spoliatus, non solum quia non ignoras, sed etiam ne rescindam ipse dolorem meum; hoc confirmo, neque tantis bonis esse privatum quemquam neque in tantas miserias incidisse. Dies autem non modo non levat luctum hunc, sed etiam auget. Nam ceteri dolores mitigantur vetustate, hic non potest non et sensu praesentis miseriae et recordatione praeteritae vitae cotidie augeri. Desidero enim non mea solum neque meos, sed me ipsum. Quid enim sum? Sed non faciam, ut aut tuum animum angam querelis aut meis vulneribus saepius manus adferam.
Nam, quod purgas eos, quos ego mihi scripsi invidisse, et in eis Catonem, ego vero tantum illum puto ab isto scelere afuisse, ut maxime doleam plus apud me simulationem aliorum quam istius fidem valuisse.
Ceteros quos purgas, debent mihi probati esse, tibi si sunt. Sed haec sero agimus.
Crassi libertum nihil puto sincere locutum. In senatu rem probe scribis actam. Sed quid Curio? an illam orationem non legit? quae unde sit prolata, nescio. Sed Axius eiusdem diei scribens ad me acta non ita laudat Curionem. At potest ille aliquid praetermittere, tu, nisi quod erat, profecto non scripsisti. Varronis sermo facit exspectationem Caesaris. Atque utinam ipse Varro incumbat in causam! quod profecto cum sua sponte tum te instante faciet.
Ego, si me aliquando vestri et patriae compotem fortuna fecerit, certe efficiam, ut maxime laetere unus ex omnibus amicis, meaque officia et studia, quae parum antea luxerunt (fatendum est enim), sic have lost,—you know it well enough, and it would only open my wound again. But this I do assert that no one has ever lost so much and no one has ever fallen into such a depth of misery. Time too, instead of lightening my grief, can but add to it: for other sorrows lose their sting as time passes, but my sorrow can but grow daily, as I feel my present misery and think on my past happiness. I mourn the loss not only of my wealth and my friends but of my old self. For what am I now? But I will not wring your soul with my complaints nor keep fingering my sore.
You write in defence of those who, I said, envied me and among them Cato. Of him I have not the least suspicion: indeed I am sorry that the false friendship of others had more weight with me than his loyalty. As to the others I suppose I should acquit them if you do. But it is too late to matter now.
I don’t think Crassus’ freedman meant what he said. You say things went well in the House. But what about Curio? Hasn’t he read that speech?
Goodness knows how it got published. Axius however, writing on the same day an account of the meeting, has less to say for Curio. Still he might well miss something, while you would certainly not have written what was not true. Varro’s talk with you gives me hopes of Caesar. I only wish Varro himself would throw his weight into my cause; and I think he will with a little pressing from you, if not of his own accord.
If ever I have the fortune to see you and my country again, I will not fail to give you more cause for joy at my recall than all my other friends: and, though I must confess that up to now my friendly attentions have not been as conspicuous as they exsequar, ut me aeque tibi ac fratri et liberis nostris restitutum putes. Si quid in te peccavi ac potius quoniam peccavi, ignosce; in me enim ipsum peccavi vehementius. Neque haec eo scribo, quo te non meo casu maximo dolore esse adfectum sciam, sed profecto, si, quantum me amas et amasti, tantum amare deberes ac debuisses, numquam esses passus me, quo tu abundabas, egere consilio nec esses passus mihi persuaderi utile nobis esse legem de collegiis perferri. Sed tu tantum lacrimas praebuisti dolori meo, quod erat amoris, tamquam ipse ego; quod meritis meis perfectum potuit, ut dies et noctes, quid mihi faciendum esset, cogitares, id abs te meo, non tuo scelere praetermissum est. Quodsi non modo tu, sed quisquam fuisset, qui me Pompei minus liberali responso perterritum a turpissimo consilio revocaret, quod unus tu facere maxime potuisti, aut occubuissem honeste, aut victores hodie viveremus. Hic mihi ignosces; me enim ipsum multo magis accuso, deinde te quasi me alterum et simul meae culpae socium quaero. Ac, si restituor, etiam minus videbimur deliquisse abs teque certe, quoniam nullo nostro, tuo ipsius beneficio diligemur.
should have been, I will be so persistent with them, that you shall feel that I have been restored to you quite as much as to my brother and children. If ever I have wronged you or rather for the wrongs that I have done you, forgive me. I have wronged myself far more deeply. I do not write this in ignorance of your great grief at my misfortune, but because, if I had earned a right to all the affection you lavish and have lavished on me, you would never have suffered me to stand in need of that sound common sense of yours, and you would not have let me be persuaded that it was to my interest to let the bill about the guilds[101] be passed. But you, like myself, only gave your tears to my distress, as a tribute of affection: and it was my fault, not yours, that you did not devote day and night to pondering on the course I should take, as you might have done, if my claims on you had been stronger. If you or anyone had dissuaded me from the disgraceful resolve I formed in my alarm at Pompey’s ungenerous reply,—and you were the person best qualified to do so—I should either have died with honour, or should to-day be living in triumph. You will pardon what I have said. I am blaming myself far more than you, and you only as my second self, and because I want a companion in my guilt. If I am restored, our common guilt will seem far less, and you, at any rate, will hold me dear for services rendered, not received, by you.
Footnote 101: The _Collegia_ were guilds for social, mercantile, or religious purposes. A decree had declared some of them illegal in 64 B.C.; but this was counteracted by a bill passed by Clodius in 58 B.C. The result was many new guilds were formed, which he used for political purposes.
Quod te cum Culleone scribis de privilegio locutum, est aliquid, sed multo est melius abrogari. Si enim nemo impediet, sic est firmius; sin erit, qui ferri non sinat, idem senatus consulto intercedet. Nec quicquam aliud opus est abrogari; nam prior lex nos nihil laedebat. Quam si, ut est promulgata, laudare voluissemus, aut, ut erat neglegenda, neglegere, nocere omnino nobis non potuisset. Hic mihi primum meum consilium defuit, sed etiam obfuit. Caeci, caeci, inquam, fuimus in vestitu mutando, in populo rogando, quod, nisi nominatim mecum agi coeptum esset, fieri perniciosum fuit. Sed pergo praeterita, verum tamen ob hanc causam, ut, si quid agetur, legem illam, in qua popularia multa sunt, ne tangatis. Verum est stultum me praecipere, quid agatis aut quo modo. Utinam modo agatur aliquid! In quo ipso multa occultant tuae litterae, credo, ne vehementius desperatione perturber. Quid enim vides agi posse aut quo modo? per senatumne? At tute scripsisti ad me quoddam caput legis Clodium in curiae poste fixisse, NE REFERRI NEVE DICI LICERET. Quo modo igitur Domitius se dixit relaturum? quo modo autum iis, quos tu scribis, et de re dicentibus et, ut referretur, postulantibus Clodius tacuit? Ac, You mention talking to Culleo about this bill being directed against an individual.[102] There is something in that point: but it is much better to have it repealed. If no one vetoes it, it is by far the surest course. If on the other hand anyone is opposed to it, he will veto the Senate’s decree too. There is no necessity to repeal anything else as well: the former law did not touch me. If we had had the sense to support it when it was brought forward, or to take no notice of it, which was all it deserved, it never would have done us any harm. It was then I first lost the use of my wits, or rather used them to my own destruction. It was blind, absolutely blind of us to put on mourning, to appeal to the crowd—a fatal thing to do before I was attacked personally. But I keep harping on what is over and done with. My point, however, is to urge you, when you do make a move, not to touch that law on account of its claims to popularity. But it is absurd of me to lay down what you should do or how. If only something could be done! And on that very point I am afraid your letters keep back a good deal, to save me from giving way to even deeper despair. What course of action do you suppose can be taken and how? Through the Senate? But you yourself have told me that a clause of Clodius’ bill, forbidding any motion or reference to my case, has been posted up in the House. How then does Domitius propose to make a motion? And how is it that Clodius holds his tongue, when the men you mention talk about the case and ask for a motion? And, if you think Footnote 102: A _privilegium_ was a law passed for or against some particular person, which was expressly forbidden by the Twelve Tables.
si per populum, poteritne nisi de omnium tribunorum pl. sententia? Quid de bonis? quid de domo? poteritne restitui? aut, si non poterit, egomet quo modo potero? Haec nisi vides expediri, quam in spem me vocas? sin autem spei nihil est, quae est mihi vita? Itaque exspecto Thessalonicae acta Kal. Sext., ex quibus statuam, in tuosne agros confugiam, ut neque videam homines, quos nolim, et te, ut scribis, videam et propius sim, si quid agatur, id quod intellexi cum tibi tum Quinto fratri placere, an abeam Cyzicum.
Nunc, Pomponi, quoniam nihil impertisti tuae prudentiae ad salutem meam, quod aut in me ipso satis esse consilii decreras aut te nihil plus mihi debere, quam ut praesto esses, quoniamque ego proditus, inductus, coniectus in fraudem omnia mea praesidia neglexi, totam Italiam mire erectam ad me defendendum destitui et reliqui, me, meos, mea tradidi inimicis inspectante et tacente te, qui, si non plus ingenio valebas quam ego, certe timebas minus, si potes, erige adflictos et in eo nos iuva; sin omnia sunt obstructa, id ipsum fac ut sciamus et nos aliquando aut obiurgare aut communiter consolari desine. Ego si tuam fidem accusarem, non me potissimum tuis of acting through the people, can it be managed without the consent of all the tribunes? What about my goods and chattels? What about my house?
Will they be restored? If not, how can I be? If you don’t see your way to managing that, what is it you want me to hope for? And, if there is nothing to hope for, what sort of life can I lead? Under these circumstances I am awaiting the gazette for August 1 at Thessalonica, before I make up my mind whether to take refuge on your estate, where I can avoid seeing those I don’t want to see, and see you, as you point out in your letter, and be nearer at hand if any action is being taken, or whether I shall go to Cyzicus. I believe you and Quintus want me to keep at hand.
Now, Pomponius, you used none of your wisdom in saving me from ruin—either because you thought I had enough common sense myself, or because you thought you owed me nothing but the support of your presence: while I, basely betrayed and hurried to my ruin, threw down my arms and fled, deserting my country, though all Italy would have stood up and defended me with enthusiasm. You looked on in silence, while I betrayed myself, my family and my possessions, to my enemies, though, even if you had not more sense than I had, you certainly had less cause for panic. Now, if you can, raise me from my fall, and in that render me assistance. But, if all ways are blocked, let me know of the fact, and do not keep on either reproaching me or offering us[103] your sympathy.
If I had any fault to find with your loyalty, I should not trust myself to your house in preference to all Footnote 103: _Communiter_ must apparently = me and my family. Some however read _comiter_.
tectis crederem; meam amentiam accuso, quod me a te tantum amari, quantum ego vellem, putavi. Quod si fuisset; fidem eandem, curam maiorem adhibuisses, me certe ad exitium praecipitantem retinuisses, istos labores, quos nunc in naufragiis nostris suscipis, non subisses. Quare fac, ut omnia ad me perspecta et explorata perscribas meque, ut facis, velis esse aliquem, quoniam, qui fui, et qui esse potui, iam esse non possum, et ut his litteris non te, sed me ipsum a me esse accusatum putes. Si qui erunt, quibus putes opus esse meo nomine litteras dari, velim conscribas curesque dandas.
Data XIIII Kal. Sept.
XVI CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae XII K. Sept. a. 696_] Totum iter mihi incertum facit exspectatio litterarum vestrarum Kal.
Sextil. datarum. Nam, si spes erit, Epirum, si minus, Cyzicum aut aliud aliquid sequemur. Tuae quidem litterae quo saepius a me leguntur, hoc spem faciunt mihi minorem; quae cum laetae sunt, tum id, quod attulerunt ad spem, infirmant, ut facile appareat te et consolationi servire et veritati. Itaque te rogo, plane ut ad me, quae scies, ut erunt, quae putabis, ita scribas.
Data XII Kal.
others. It is my own folly in thinking that your affection for me was as great as I wished it to be, that I am finding fault with. If it had been so, you would not have shown more loyalty, but you would have taken more trouble, and you would certainly have prevented me from rushing to my fate, and would not have had all the trouble you are now taking to repair the shipwreck. So please let me know all that you can ascertain for certain, and continue to wish to see me a somebody again, even if I cannot regain the position I once held and might have held. I hope you won’t think it is you and not myself I am blaming in this letter. If there is anyone to whom you think a letter ought to be sent in my name, please write one and see that it is sent.
August 17.
XVI CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
I am waiting for your letters of the first of August before I can decide at all where I shall go. If there is any hope, I shall go to Epirus: if not, I shall make for Cyzicus, or take some other direction. The more often I read your letters, the less hope I have: for, though they are cheerful, they tone down any hope they raise, so that one can easily see that your allegiance wavers between consolation of me and truth. I must therefore beg you to report facts just as they are, and what you really think of them.
August 19.
XVII CICERO ATTICO SAL.
[Sidenote: _Scr. Thessalonicae pr. Non. Sept. a. 696_] De Quinto fratre nuntii nobis tristes nec varii venerant ex ante diem III Non. Iun. usque ad prid. Kal. Sept. Eo autem die Livineius, L.
Reguli libertus, ad me a Regulo missus venit. Is omnino mentionem nullam factam esse nuntiavit, sed fuisse tamen sermonem de C. Clodi filio, isque mihi a Q. fratre litteras attulit. Sed postridie Sesti pueri venerunt, qui a te litteras attulerunt non tam exploratas a timore, quam sermo Livinei fuerat. Sane sum in meo infinito maerore sollicitus et eo magis, quod Appi quaestio est.
Cetera, quae ad me eisdem litteris scribis de nostra spe, intellego esse languidiora, quam alii ostendunt. Ego autem, quoniam non longe ab eo tempore absumus, in quo res diiudicabitur, aut ad te conferam me aut etiam nunc circum haec loca commorabor.
Scribit ad me frater omnia sua per te unum sustineri. Quid te aut horter, quod facis, aut agam gratias, quod non exspectas? Tantum velim fortuna det nobis potestatem, ut incolumes amore nostro perfruamur. Tuas litteras semper maxime exspecto; in quibus cave vereare ne aut diligentia tua mihi molesta aut veritas acerba sit.
Data pr. Nonas Sept.
XVII CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
All the news I have had about my brother Quintus from June the 3rd to the end of August has been bad news without exception. But on the last of August Livineius, who had been sent by his former master, L. Regulus, came to me. He assured me that no notice whatever had been given of a prosecution though there was some talk of C. Clodius’ son undertaking one: and he brought me letters from Quintus himself. But on the next day came some of Sestius’ men, with some letters of yours which are not so positive and alarming as Livineius’ conversation was. My own unending distress of course renders me anxious, all the more so, as Appius would preside at the trial.
From the rest of your remarks in the same letter as to my own chances, I infer that our hopes are fainter than others make out. But since it will not be long now before the matter is settled, I will either remove to your house or still stay somewhere round here.