you don't think on me. I shall take you when you don't think on me. I'll come unlooked for. I'll come upon you before you are aware. I'll come an uninvited and unexpected Guest.
_I would know before Hand._ _Pe._ I would know two Days before Hand. Give me Notice two Days before you come. Make me acquainted two Days before.
_Ch._ If you will have me, I'll make a _Sybaritical_ Appointment, that you may have Time enough to provide afore Hand.
_Pe._ What Appointment is that?
_Ch._ The _Sybarites_ invited their Guests against the next Year, that they might both have Time to be prepar'd.
_Pe._ Away with the _Sybarites_, and their troublesome Entertainments: I invite an old Chrony, and not a Courtier.
_You desire to your own Detriment._ _Ch._ Indeed 'tis to your Detriment. Indeed 'tis to your own Harm. To your own Loss. You wish for it. You pray for that to your own Ill-convenience.
_Pe._ Why so? Wherefore.
_Ch._ I'll come provided. I'll come prepar'd. I'll set upon you accoutred. I'll come furnish'd with a sharp Stomach; do you take Care that you have enough to satisfy a Vulture. I'll prepare my Belly and whet my Teeth; do you look to it, to get enough to satisfy a Wolf.
_Pe._ Come and welcome, I dare you to it. Come on, if you can do any Thing, do it to your utmost, with all your Might.
_Ch._ I'll come, but I won't come alone.
_Pe._ You shall be the more welcome for that; but who will you bring with you?
_Ch._ My _Umbra_.
_Pe._ You can't do otherwise if you come in the Day Time.
_Ch._ Ay, but I'll bring one _Umbra_ or two that have got Teeth, that you shan't have invited me for nothing.
_Pe._ Well, do as you will, so you don't bring any Ghosts along with you. But if you please explain what is the Meaning of the Word _Umbra_.
_Ch._ Among the Learned they are call'd _Umbræ_, who being uninvited, bear another Person, that is invited, Company to a Feast.
_Pe._ Well, bring such Ghosts along with you as many as you will.
* * * * * _I promise upon this Condition._ _Ch._ Well, I will come, but upon this Condition, that you shall come to Supper with me the next Day. I will do it upon this Condition that you shall be my Guest afterwards. Upon that Condition I promise to come to Supper, that you again shall be my Guest. I promise I will, but upon these Terms, that you in the like Manner shall be my Guest the next Day.
I promise I will, I give you my Word I will, upon this Consideration, that you dine with me the next Day.
_Pe._ Come on, let it be done, let it be so. It shall be as you would have it. If you command me, I'll do it. I know the _French_ Ambition, You won't sup with me, but you'll make me Amends for it. And so by this Means Feasts use to go round. From hence it comes to pass, that it is a long Time before we have done feasting one with another. By this Interchangeableness Feasts become reciprocal without End.
_Ch._ It is the pleasantest Way of Living in the World, if no more Provision be made, but what is used to be made daily. But, I detain you, it may be, when you are going some whither.
_Pe._ Nay, I believe, I do you. But we'll talk more largely and more freely to Morrow. But we'll divert ourselves to Morrow more plentifully.
In the mean Time take Care of your Health. In the mean Time take Care to keep yourself in good Health. Farewell till then.
* * * * * _Whither are you going? The Form._ _Ch._ Where are you a going now? Whither are you going so fast? Where are you a going in such great Haste. Whither go you? What's your Way?
* * * * * _I go Home. The Form._ _Pe._ I go Home. I return Home. I go to see what they are a doing at Home. I go to call a Doctor. I am going into the Country. I made an Appointment just at this Time to go to speak with a certain great Man. I made an Appointment to meet a great Man at this Time.
_Ch._ Whom?
_Ch._ I wish you _Mercury_'s Assistance.
_Pe._ What need of _Mercury_'s Assistance?
_Ch._ Because you have to do with a Man of Words.
_Pe._ Then it were more proper to wish the Assistance of the Goddess _Memoria_.
_Ch._ Why so?
_Pe._ Because you'll have more Occasion for patient Ears, than a strenuous Tongue. And the Ear is dedicated to the Goddess _Memoria_.
_Ch._ Whither are you going? Whither will you go?
_Pe._ This Way, to the left Hand. This Way, that Way, through the Market.
_Ch._ Then I'll bear you Company as far as the next Turning.
_Pe._ I won't let you go about. You shan't put yourself to so much Trouble on my Account. Save that Trouble till it shall be of Use, it is altogether unnecessary at this Time. Don't go out of your Way upon my Account.
_Ch._ I reckon I save my Time while I enjoy the Company of so good a Friend. I have nothing else to do, and I am not so lazy, if my Company won't be troublesome.
_Pe._ No Body is a more pleasant Companion. But I won't suffer you to go on my left Hand. I won't let you walk on my left Hand. Here I bid God be with you. I shall not bear you Company any longer. You shan't go further with me.
* * * * * _A Form of Recommending._ _Ch._ Recommend me kindly to _Curio_. Recommend me as kindly as may be to talkative _Curio_. Take Care to recommend me heartily to _Curio_. I desire you have me recommended to him. I recommend myself to him by you.
I recommend myself to you again and again. I recommend myself to your Favour with all the Earnestness possible. Leave _recommendo_ instead of _commendo_ to _Barbarians_. See that you don't be sparing of your Speech with one that is full of Tongue. See that you be not of few Words with him that is a Man of many Words.
* * * * * _A Form of Obsequiousness._ _Pe._ Would you have me obey you? Would you have me be obedient? Shall I obey you? Then you command me to imitate you. Since you would have it so, I'll do it with all my Heart. Don't hinder me any longer; don't let us hinder one another.
_Ch._ But before you go, I intreat you not to think much to teach me how I must use these Sentences, _in morâ, in causâ, in culpâ_; you use to be studious of Elegancy. Wherefore come on, I entreat you teach me; explain it to me, I love you dearly.
* * * * * _In Culpâ, In Causâ, In Morâ._ _Pe._ I must do as you would have me. The Fault is not in me. It is not in thee. The Delay is in thee. Thou art the Cause, is indeed grammatically spoken; these are more elegant.
_In Culpâ._ I am not in the Fault. The Fault is not mine. I am without Fault. Your Idleness has been the Cause, that you have made no Proficiency, not your Master nor your Father. You are all in Fault. You are both in Fault. You are both to be blam'd. Ye are both to be accus'd. You have gotten this Distemper by your own ill Management. In like Manner they are said to be _in vitio_, to whom the Fault is to be imputed; and _in crimine_, they who are to be blam'd; and _in damno_, who are Losers. This sort of Phrase is not to be inverted commonly; _Damnum in illo est. Vitium in illo est._ * * * * * _In Causâ._ Sickness has been the Occasion that I have not written to you. My Affairs have been the Cause that I have written to you so seldom, and not Neglect. What was the Cause? What Cause was there? I was not the Cause. The Post-Man was in the Fault that you have had no Letters from me. Love and not Study is the Cause of your being so lean. This is the Cause.
_In Morâ._ I won't hinder you. What has hinder'd you? You have hindred us. You are always a Hindrance. What hindred you? Who has hindred you? You have what you ask'd for. It is your Duty to remember it. You have the Reward of your Respect. Farewell, my _Christian_.
_Ch._ And fare you well till to Morrow, my _Peter_.
_Au._ I wish the same to you, most kind _Christian_. Good Morrow to you.
I wish you a good Day; but how do you do?
_Ch._ Very well as Things go, and I wish you what you wish for.
_Au._ I love you deservedly. I love thee. Thou deservest to be lov'd heartily. Thou speakest kindly. Thou art courteous. I give thee Thanks.
* * * * * _I am angry with thee. The Form._ _Ch._ But I am something angry with you. But I am a little angry with you. But I am a little provok'd at you. I have something to be angry with you for.
* * * * * _For what Cause. The Form._ _Au._ I pray what is it? Why so? But why, I beseech you? What Crime have I committed? What have I done? _Promereor bona_, I deserve Good; _Commereor mala_, I deserve Ill, or Punishment: The one is used in a good Sense, and the other in an ill. _Demeremur eum_, is said of him that we have attach'd to us by Kindness.
* * * * * _Ch._ Because you take no Care of me. Because you don't regard me.
Because you come to see us so seldom. Because you wholly neglect us.
Because you quite neglect me. Because you seem to have cast off all Care of us.
_Au._ But there is no Cause for you to be angry. But you are angry without my Desert, and undeservedly; for it has not been my Fault, that I have come to see you but seldom: Forgive my Hurry of Business that has hindered me from seeing you, as often as I would have done.
_Ch._ I will pardon you upon this Condition, if you'll come to Supper with me to Night. I'll quit you upon that Condition, if you come to Supper with me in the Evening.
_Au. Christian_, you prescribe no hard Articles of Peace, and therefore I'll come with all my Heart. Indeed I will do it willingly. Indeed I would do that with all Readiness in the World. I shan't do that unwillingly. I won't want much Courting to that. There is nothing in the World that I would do with more Readiness. I will do it with a willing Mind.
_Ch._ I commend your obliging Temper in this, and in all other Things.
_Au._ I use always to be thus obsequious to my Friends, especially when they require nothing but what's reasonable. O ridiculous! Do you think I would refuse when offer'd me, that which I should have ask'd for of my own Accord?
* * * * * _Don't deceive me. The Form._ _Ch._ Well, but take Care you don't delude me. See you don't deceive me.
Take Care you don't make me feed a vain Hope. See you don't fail my Expectation. See you don't disappoint me. See you don't lull me on with a vain Hope.
_Au._ There is no Need to swear. In other Things, in other Matters you may be afraid of Perfidy. In this I won't deceive you. But hark you, see that you provide nothing but what you do daily: I would have no holy Day made upon my Account. You know that I am a Guest that am no great Trencher Man, but a very merry Man.
_Ch._ I'll be sure to take Care. I will entertain you with Scholars Commons, if not with slenderer Fare.
_Au._ Nay, if you'd please me, let it be with _Diogenes_'s Fare.
_Ch._ You may depend upon it, I will treat you with a _Platonick_ Supper, in which you shall have a great many learned Stories, and but a little Meat, the Pleasure of which shall last till the next Day: whereas they that have been nobly entertain'd, enjoy perhaps a little Pleasure that Day, but the next are troubled with the Head-ach, and Sickness at the Stomach. He that supp'd with _Plato_, had one Pleasure from the easy Preparation, and Philosopher's Stories; and another the next Day, that his Head did not ach, and that his Stomach was not sick, and so had a good Dinner of the sauce of last Night's Supper.
_Au._ I like it very well, let it be as you have said.
_Ch._ Do you see that you leave all your Cares and melancholy Airs at Home, and bring nothing hither but Jokes and Merriment; and as _Juvenal_ says, _Protenus ante meum, quicquid dolet, exue limen.
Lay all that troubles you down before my Door, before you come into it._ _Au._ What? Would you have me bring no Learning along with me? I will bring my Muses with me, unless you think it not convenient.
_Ch._ Shut up your ill-natured Muses at Home with your Business, but bring your good-natured Muses, all your witty Jests, your By-words, your Banters, your Pleasantries, your pretty Sayings, and all your Ridiculosities along with you.
_Au._ I'll do as you bid me; put on all my best Looks. We'll be merry Fellows. We'll laugh our Bellies full. We'll make much of ourselves.
We'll feast jovially. We'll play the _Epicureans_. We'll set a good Face on't, and be boon Blades. These are fine Phrases of clownish Fellows that have a peculiar Way of speaking to themselves.
_Ch._ Where are you going so fast?
_Au._ To my Son's in Law.
_Ch._ What do you do there? Why thither? What do you with him?
_Au._ I hear there is Disturbance among them; I am going to make them Friends again, to bring them to an Agreement; to make Peace among them.
_Ch._ You do very well, though I believe they don't want you; for they will make the Matter up better among themselves.
_Au._ Perhaps there is a Cessation of Arms, and the Peace is to be concluded at Night. But have you any Thing else to say to me?
_Ch._ I will send my Boy to call you.
_Au._ When you please. I shall be at Home. Farewell.
_Ch._ I wish you well. See that you be here by five a-Clock. Soho _Peter_, call _Austin_ to Supper, who you know promised to come to Supper with me to Day.
_Pe._ Soho! Poet, God bless you, Supper has been ready this good While, and my Master stays for you at Home, you may come when you will.
_Au._ I come this Minute.
The ARGUMENT.
_Our_ Erasmus _most elegantly proposes all the Furniture of this Feast; the Discourses and Behaviour of the Entertainer and the Guests_, &c. _Water and a Bason before Dinner. The_ Stoics, _the_ Epicureans; _the Form of the Grace at Table. It is good Wine that pleases four Senses. Why_ Bacchus _is the Poets God; why he is painted a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat.
Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They of old defended the Capitol at_ Rome. _Of Cocks, Capons and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians.
The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of the second Course. The Magnificence of the_ French. _The ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat._ AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, _a_ BOY.
_Au._ O, my _Christian_, God bless you.
_Ch._ It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five yet.
_Boy._ Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.
_Au._ It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?
_Ch._ Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a moderate Variety.
_Au._ An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?
_Ch._ Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need of the _Fannian_ Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches me Frugality sufficiently.
_Au._ This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite otherwise.
_Ch._ Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho, Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder, pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, _Austin_.
_Au._ Do you wash first.
_Ch._ Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands this twelve Months.
_Au._ O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the dirtiest.
_Ch._ You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough; than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the Light let him take this Corner. He that loves to look about him, let him sit here. Come, here has been Delays enough. Sit down. I am at Home, I'll take my Supper standing, or walking about, which I like best. Why don't you sit down, Supper will be spoiled.
_Au._ Now let us enjoy ourselves, and eat heartily. Now let us be _Epicures_. We have nothing to do with Superciliousness. Farewell Care, let all Ill-will and Detraction be banished. Let us be merry, pleasant, and facetious.
_Ch. Austin_, pray who are those _Stoics_ and _Epicures_?
_Au._ The _Stoics_ are a certain melancholy, rigid, parcimonious Sect of Philosophers, who make the _Summum bonum_ of Mankind, to consist in a certain, I can't tell what, _honestum_. The _Epicures_ are the Reverse of these, and they make the Felicity of a Man to consist in Pleasure.
_Ch._ Pray what Sect are you of, a _Stoic_ or an _Epicure_?
_Au._ I recommend _Zeno_'s Rules; but I follow _Epicurus_'s Practice.
_Ch. Austin_, what you speak in Jest, a great many do in Earnest, and are only Philosophers by their Cloaks and Beards.
_Au._ Nay, indeed they out-live the _Asots_ in Luxury.
_Ch. Dromo_, come hither. Do your Office, say Grace.
_Boy._ "May he that feeds all Things by his Bounty, command his Blessing upon what is or shall be set upon this Table. Amen."
_Ch._ Set the Victuals on the Table. Why do we delay to eat up this Capon? Why are we afraid to carve this Cock?
_Au._ I'll be _Hercules_, and slay this Beast. Which had you rather have, a Wing or a Leg?
_Ch._ Which you will, I don't matter which.
_Au._ In this Sort of Fowls the Wing is look'd upon the best; in other Fowls the Leg is commonly esteemed the greater dainty Bit.
_Ch._ I put you to a great Deal of Trouble. You take a great Deal of Trouble upon you, upon my Account. You help every Body else, and eat nothing yourself. I'll help you to this Wing; but upon this Condition, that you shall give me Half of it back.
_Au._ Say you so, that is serving yourself and not me; keep it for yourself. I am not so bashful as to want any Body to help me.
_Ch._ You do very well.
_Au._ Do you carve for a Wolf? Have you invited a Vulture?
_Ch._ You fast. You don't eat.
_Au._ I eat more than any Body.
_Ch._ Nay, rather, you lye more than any Body. Pray be as free as if you were at your own House.
_Au._ I take myself to be there. I do so. I am resolv'd so to do. I design to do so.
_Ch._ How does this Wine please you? Does this Wine please your Palate?
_Au._ Indeed it pleases me very well. Indeed it pleases mightily. It pleases me well enough. It pleases me very well.
_Ch._ Which had you rather have, Red or White?
_It is no Matter what Colour it is._ _Au._ Indeed I like both alike. It is no Matter what Colour 'tis, so the Taste be pleasing. I don't much mind how the Wine pleases the Eye, so it do but please the Palate. I an't much mov'd at the Sight of it, if the Taste be but grateful. It is no great Matter what Colour it is of, or what Colour it has, if it does but taste well. I don't desire to please my Eyes if I can but please my Taste. If it do but please the Palate, I don't regard the Colour, if it be well relish'd.
_Ch._ I believe so: But there are some Persons that are mighty deeply read in Table Philosophy, who deny that the Wine can be good, unless it pleases four Senses: The Eye, with its Colour; the Nose, with its Smell; the Palate, with its Taste; the Ears, by its Fame and Name.
_Au._ O ridiculous! What signifies Fame to Drink?
_Ch._ As much as many that have a good Palate mightily approve of _Lovain_ Wine, when they believe it to be _Bern_ Wine.
_Au._ It may be, they had spoiled their Palate by much Drinking.
_Ch._ No, before they had drank one Drop. But I have a Mind to hear your Opinion, who are a Man of great Skill in these Matters.
_Au._ Our Countrymen prefer White before Red, because the Red is a little more upon the Acid, and the White a smaller Wine; but that is the milder, and in my Opinion the more wholsome.
_Ch._ We have a pale red Wine, and a yellow Wine, and a purple Colour Wine. This is new Wine, this Year's Wine. This is two Years old, if any Body is for an old Wine. We have some four Years old, but it is grown flat and dead with Age. The Strength is gone with Age.
_Au._ Why, you're as rich as _Lucullus_.
_Ch._ Soho, Boy, where are you a loitering? You give us no Attendance; don't you see we have no Wine here? What if a Fire should happen now?
How should we put it out? Give every one a full Glass. _Austin_, What's the matter that you are not merry? What makes you sit so Melancholy?
What's the Matter with you, that you an't chearful? You are either troubled at something, or you're making Verses. You play the _Crysippus_ now, you want a _Melissa_ to feed you.
_Au._ What Story is this you are telling me of?
_Ch. Crysippus_ is reported to have been so intent upon his logical Subtilties, that he would have been starved at Table, unless his Maid _Melissa_ had put the Meat into his Mouth.
_Au._ He did not deserve to have his Life sav'd; but if Silence is an Offence to you, and you love a noisy Feast, you have gotten that will make one.
_Ch._ I remember I have. That's very well minded: We must drink more freely, we ought to drink more largely, more Wine and less Water.
_You have hit on the Matter._ _Au._ You have hit the Nail on the Head. You are in the Right. You have hit the Mark. For, _Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum?_ _Ch._ That is very learnedly spoken, _Austin_, and so indeed is all that comes from you; but since we are fallen into a Discourse concerning Wine, since we have happen'd to make mention of Wine, I have a mind to ask you, for what Reason the Ancients, who will have _Bacchus_ the Inventor of Wine, call him the God of the Poets? What has that drunken God to do with Poets, who are the Votaries of the Virgin Muses?
_Au._ By _Bacchus_, this is a Question fit to be put over a Bottle. But I see very well, what your Question drives at.
_Ch._ What, prithee?
_Au._ You very cunningly put a Question about Wine, by a _French_ Trick, which I believe you learn'd at _Paris_, that you may save your Wine by that Means. Ah, go your Way, I see you're a Sophister; you have made a good Proficiency in that School.
_Ch._ Well, I take all your Jokes; I'll return the like to you, when Opportunity shall offer. But to the Matter in Hand.
_Au._ I'll go on, but I'll drink first, for it is absurd to dispute about a tippling Question with a dry Throat. Here's to you _Christian_.
Half this Cup to you.
_Ch._ I thank you kindly. God bless it to you, much good may it do you.
_Au._ Now I'm ready, at your Service. I'll do it as well as I can after my Manner. That they have given a Boy's Face to _Bacchus_, has this Mystery in it; that Wine being drank, takes away Cares and Vexations from our Minds, and adds a Sort of a Chearfulness to them. And for this Reason, it adds a Sort of Youthfulness even to old Men, in that it makes them more chearful, and of a better Complexion. The same thing _Horace_ in many Places, and particularly testifies in these Verses: _Ad mare cum veni, generosum et lene requiro, Quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.
In venas, animumque meum, quod verba ministret.
Quod me Lucanoe juvenem commendet amicæ._ For that they have assign'd the Poets to this Deity, I believe by it they design'd to intimate this, that Wine both stirs up Wit and administers Eloquence; which two Things are very fit for Poets. Whence it comes to pass, that your Water Drinkers make poor Verses. For _Bacchus_ is of a fiery Constitution naturally, but he is made more temperate, being united with the Nymphs. Have you been answer'd to your Satisfaction?
_Ch._ I never heard any Thing more to the Purpose from a Poet. You deserve to drink out of a Cup set with Jewels. Boy, take away this Dish, and set on another.
_Au._ You have got a very clownish Boy.
_Ch._ He is the unluckiest Knave in the World.
_Au._ Why don't you teach him better Manners?
_Ch._ He is too old to learn. It is a hard matter to mend the Manners of an old Sinner. An old Dog won't be easily brought to wear the Collar.
He's well enough for me. Like Master like Man.
* * * * * _If I knew what you lik'd, I would help you._ _Au._ I would cut you a Slice, if I knew what would please you. I would help you, if I knew your Palate. I would help you, if I knew what you lik'd best. If I knew the Disposition of your Palate, I would be your Carver. Indeed my Palate is like my Judgment.
_Ch._ You have a very nice Palate. No Body has a nicer Palate than you have. I don't think you come behind him of whose exquisite Skill the Satyrist says, _Ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu, Et semel aspecti dicebat littus echini._ _Au._ And you, my _Christian_, that I may return the Compliment, seem to have been Scholar to _Epicurus_, or brought up in the _Catian_ School.
For what's more delicate or nice than your Palate?
_Ch._ If I understood Oratory so well as I do Cookery, I'd challenge _Cicero_ himself.
_Au._ Indeed if I must be without one, I had rather want Oratory than Cookery.
_Ch._ I am entirely of your Mind, you judge gravely, wisely, and truly.
For what is the Prattle of Orators good for, but to tickle idle Ears with a vain Pleasure? But Cookery feeds and repairs the Palate, the Belly, and the whole Man, let him be as big as he will. _Cicero_ says, _Concedat laurea lingæ_; but both of them must give place to Cookery. I never very well liked those _Stoicks_, who referring all things to their (I can't tell what) _honestum_, thought we ought to have no regard to our Persons and our Palates. _Aristippus_ was wiser than _Diogenes_ beyond Expression in my Opinion.
_Au._ I despise the _Stoicks_ with all their Fasts. But I praise and approve _Epicurus_ more than that _Cynic Diogenes_, who lived upon raw Herbs and Water; and therefore I don't wonder that _Alexander_, that fortunate King, had rather be _Alexander_ than _Diogenes_.
_Ch._ Nor indeed would I myself, who am but an ordinary Man, change my Philosophy for _Diogenes_'s; and I believe your _Catius_ would refuse to do it too. The Philosophers of our Time are wiser, who are content to dispute like _Stoicks_, but in living out-do even _Epicurus_ himself.
And yet for all that, I look upon Philosophy to be one of the most excellent Things in Nature, if used moderately. I don't approve of philosophising too much, for it is a very jejune, barren, and melancholy Thing. When I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I betake myself to Philosophy, as to a Physician; but when I am well again, I bid it farewell.
_Au._ I like your Method. You do philosophize very well. Your humble Servant, Mr. Philosopher; not of the _Stoick_ School, but the Kitchen.
_Ch._ What is the Matter with you, _Erasmus_, that you are so melancholy? What makes you look so frowningly? What makes you so silent?
Are you angry with me because I have entertained you with such a slender Supper?
_Er._ Nay, I am angry with you that you have put your self to so much Charge upon my Account. _Austin_ laid a strict Charge upon you that you would provide nothing extraordinary upon his Account. I believe you have a Mind we should never come to see you again; for they give such a Supper as this that intended to make but one. What sort of Guests did you expect? You seem to have provided not for Friends, but for Princes.
Do you think we are Gluttons? This is not to entertain one with a Supper, but victualling one for three Days together.
_Ch._ You will be ill-humour'd. Dispute about that Matter to-Morrow; pray be good humour'd to-Day. We'll talk about the Charge to-Morrow; I have no Mind to hear any Thing but what is merry at this time.
_Au. Christian_, whether had you rather have, Beef or Mutton?
_Ch._ I like Beef best, but I think Mutton is the most wholsome. It is the Disposition of Mankind to be most desirous of those Things that are the most hurtful.
_Au._ The _French_ are wonderful Admirers of Pork.
_Ch._ The _French_ love that most that costs least.
_Au._ I am a Jew in this one Thing, there is nothing I hate so much as Swine's Flesh.
_Ch._ Nor without Reason, for what is more unwholsome? In this I am not of the _French_ Man's but of the _Jew's_ Mind.
_Er._ But I love both Mutton and Pork, but for a different Reason; for I eat freely of Mutton, because I love it; but Hogs Flesh I don't touch, by Reason of Love, that I may not give Offence.
_Ch._ You are a clever Man, _Erasmus_, and a very merry one too. Indeed I am apt to admire from whence it comes to pass that there is such a great Diversity in Mens Palates, for if I may make use of this Verse of _Horace_, Tres mihi convivæ propè dissentire videntur, Poscentes vario multùm diversa palato.
_Er._ Although as the Comedian says, _So many Men, so many Minds_, and every Man has his own Way; yet no Body can make me believe, there is more Variety in Mens Dispositions, than there is in their Palates: So that you can scarce find two that love the same Things. I have seen a great many, that can't bear so much as the Smell of Butter and Cheese: Some loath Flesh; one will not eat roast Meat, and another won't eat boil'd. There are many that prefer Water before Wine. And more than this, which you'll hardly believe; I have seen a Man who would neither eat Bread, nor drink Wine.
_Ch._ What did that poor Man live on?
_Er._ There was nothing else but what he could eat; Meat, Fish, Herbs and Fruit.
_Ch._ Would you have me believe you?
_Er._ Yes, if you will.
_Ch._ I will believe you; but upon this Condition, that you shall believe me when I tell a Lye.
_Er._ Well, I will do it, so that you lye modestly.
_Ch._ As if any Thing could be more impudent than your Lye.
_Er._ What would your Confidence say, if I should shew you the Man?
_Ch._ He must needs be a starveling Fellow, a meer Shadow.
_Er._ You'd say he was a Champion.
_Er._ I wonder this should seem so strange to you, when there are a great many that eat dry'd Fish instead of Bread: And some that the Roots of Herbs serve for the same Use that Bread does us.
_Ch._ I believe you; lye on.
_Er._ I remember, I saw a Man when I was in _Italy_, that grew fat with Sleep, without the Assistance either of Meat or Drink.
_Ch._ Fie for Shame; I can't forbear making Use of that Expression of the Satyrist, Tunc immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles.
Thou poeticisest. You play the Part of a Poet. I am loath to give you the Lye.
_Er._ I am the greatest Lyar in the World, if _Pliny_, an Author of undoubted Credit, has not written, that a Bear in fourteen Days Time will grow wonderfully fat with nothing but Sleep: And that he will sleep so sound, that you can scarce wake him, by wounding him: Nay, to make you admire the more, I will add what _Theophrastus_ writes, that during that Time, if the Flesh of the Bear be boil'd, and kept some Time, it will come to Life again.
_Ch._ I am afraid that _Parmeno_ in _Terence_ will hardly be able to comprehend these Things. I believe it readily. I would help you to some Venison, if I were well enough accomplished.
_Er._ Where have you any Hunting now? How came you by Venison?
_Ch._ _Midas_, the most generous spirited Man living, and a very good Friend of mine, sent it me for a Present; but so, that I oftentimes buy it for less.
_Er._ How so?
_Ch._ Because I am obliged to give more to his Servants, than I could buy it for in the Market.
_Er._ Who obliges you to that?
_Ch._ The most violent Tyrant in the World.
_Er._ Who is he?
_Ch._ Custom.
_Er._ Indeed, that Tyrant does frequently impose the most unjust Laws upon Mankind.
_Ch._ The same Tyrant hunted this Stag, but the Day before Yesterday.
What did you do, who used to be a very great Lover of that Sport?
_Au._ Indeed I have left off that Sport, and now I hunt after nothing but Learning.
_Ch._ In my Opinion, Learning is fleeter than any Stag.
_Au._ But I hunt chiefly with two Dogs, that is to say, with Love and Industry: For Love affords a great Deal of Eagerness to learn, and as the most elegant Poet says, ----_Labor improbus omnia vincit._ _Ch. Austin_, you admonish after a friendly Manner, as you use to do; and therefore, I won't give over, nor rest, nor tire, till I attain.
_Au._ Venison is now in the Prime. _Pliny_ tells us a very admirable Story concerning this Animal.
_Ch._ What is it, I pray you?
_Au._ That as often as they prick up their Ears, they are very quick of Hearing; but on the contrary, when they let them down, they are deaf.
_Ch._ That very often happens to myself; for if I happen to hear a Word spoken of receiving Guineas, there is no Body quicker of Hearing than I; for then with _Pamphilus_ in _Terence_, I prick up my Ears; but when there is any Mention made of paying them away, I let them down, and am presently hard of Hearing.
_Au._ Well, I commend you; you do as you should do.
_Ch._ Would you have some of the Leg of this Hare?
_Au._ Take it yourself.
_Ch._ Or had you rather have some of the Back?
_Au._ This Creature has nothing good but its Flank and hind Legs.
_Ch._ Did you ever see a white Hare?
_Au._ Oftentimes. _Pliny_ writes, that on the _Alps_ there are white Hares; and that it is believed in the Winter Time they feed upon Snow: Whether it be true or no, let _Pliny_ see to that: For if Snow makes a Hare's Skin white, it must make his Stomach white too.
_Ch._ I don't know but it may be true.
_Au._ I have something for you that is stranger than that; but it may be you have heard of it. The same Man testifies that there is the same Nature in all of them; that is, of Males and Females, and that the Females do as commonly breed without the Use of the Male, as with it.
And many Persons assert the same, and especially your skilful Hunters.