"Owing to the fact that my mother suffered from some malady the whole period of gestation prior to my birth, I came into the world so puny a child, so ill-nourished, that for some time the doctors despaired of my life. Till the age of puberty, though never ill, I suffered greatly from delicate health. I was abnormally sensitive and all my affections and passions extraordinarily developed. Owing to my brothers being much older than myself I was thrown into the society of my sister. Till 8 years old she was my chief playmate. With her I played with dolls and abandoned myself wholly to the delights of an imaginary land which was much more real to me than the world around me. I never remember learning to read, but at 5 the _Arabian Nights_ and Kingsley's _Hereward the Wake_ were my favorite books. Living in the country the society of other children was difficult to obtain. My whole affections centered in my father, my mother having died when I was a child. This affection for my father was rather a morbid passion which absorbed my life. I dared not leave his side for fear of a final separation from him. I would wake him when asleep to see if he still lived. To this day, though he died twenty-six years ago, his memory haunts me.
"My first abnormal desires were connected with him. I had seen him occasionally micturating in the garden alleys or out in the country. These occasions excited me terribly, and I would, if possible, wait till he had gone, and touch the humid leaves, drawing a terrible pleasure from the contact. Afterward, though he never suspected it, desire for him became a consuming passion, and I remember on one occasion, when on a holiday, I occupied the same bed with him, the excitement of his propinquity brought on such a formidable attack of heart palpitation that my father called in the family physician on our return home. Needless to say my heart was found quite sound. The desire still remains after all these years, and nothing excites me more even now than the memory of my father in his morning bath.
"The whole world for me in my early childhood was peopled with imaginary beings. While still a young child I would invent stories and relate them to any listener I could find, one such story lasting three years. I was an omnivorous reader, but my favorite reading was poetry. At 7 I could repeat the greater part of Longfellow's poems; Scott followed; then Milton captivated me when I was 14; then came Tennyson, Arnold, Swinburne, and Morris. Later came the Greek and Latin poets. From 7 years on I wrote verses to my father. Till 8 years I was excessively timid of the dark and, indeed, of all loneliness. This passed, however, and developed into an extreme sensitiveness of seeing or meeting people. Even on a country road I would walk miles out of my way to avoid meeting the ordinary yokel. At this period my day-dreams were my favorite occupation. Even to the present day my visions take up the greater part of my life. Though timid I was not wanting in courage. At an early age I would fight boys even older than myself. Later I have risked my life many times in various parts of Europe. As regards sports, I can do a little of everything: swimming, riding, fencing, shooting,--a little of each. Cricket and football I also played passably, but sports never interested me much. Literature became and is the passion of my life and for some years has remained my sole occupation.
"At 8 years the sexual inversion began to manifest itself, though till I had attained 10 years of age I was practically quite innocent. At 8 years of age, my family removed to another country and I made the acquaintance of a little boy who attracted me sexually. We masturbated in company, without any reason except the pleasure of seeing each other exposed. Then I had connection with him _in anum_. This really at that time was an exception to my ordinary tastes which speedily developed into an intense desire of _fellatio_ and later on of intercrural pleasures. This latter perhaps may be accounted for by the visit to our house of a small boy with whom I slept for about a year. Every night during this period, I had intercrural connection with him twice and sometimes three times. Then came a consuming passion for all young boys and very old men. Boys after 14 or 15 ceased to attract me, more particularly when the hair of the pubes began to develop. From 8 to 14, when first I had sexual emissions, I masturbated at every opportunity. From 14 to 27, always once a day, generally twice and sometimes three times a day. At 27 I took rooms and formed acquaintance with the family occupying the house. The boys, one by one, were allowed to sleep with me and I conceived an extraordinary passion for one of them, an attachment which lasted till I finally left England. The attachment was much more that of a man for his wife and had nothing degrading in it. I was wretched when away from him, and as he was very attached to sport of all kinds I suffered 'divers kinds of death' each time that I imagined his life to be endangered. I can honestly say that in each of my attachments, and I have had many, the prevailing sentiment was the delight of protecting a weaker being than myself. Each person whom I have loved has been perfectly normal and all are now fathers of families. Each still regards me with affection and respect in spite of what has passed between us. All my life I have been possessed with the passion for paternity, I could almost say maternity. Willingly would I have suffered the pains of hell could I have borne a son to the person I loved. That I can honestly say has been the dominant instinct of my life. In my passion I have never been brutal, nor save under the influence of wine have I had connection with men over the age of puberty. In Southern Europe my experiences have been the same, a predominant passion for a boy exhibiting itself in every species of protecting care, and though terminating so far as sexual passion was concerned when the boy reached 15 or 16 years, yet still lasting and enduring in an honest and unselfish affection. At the age of 51, I still masturbate once or twice a week, though I long for some person whom I love to share the pleasure with me. I tried vainly at the age of 27 to bring myself into line with others. Prostitutes caused me horror, whether male or female. I attempted the act of coitus four or five times, twice with women of loose lives and at other times with married women. Save in one case the attempts were either abortive or caused me extreme disgust.
"Practically from the time of puberty I have attracted sexually not only women but men. Women, oddly enough, though I care nothing for them sexually, either hate me or adore me, and I have had five offers of marriage. At the same time up till five years ago, I was pursued by men and have had the oddest experiences both in England and abroad. In the early period of this history I suffered tremendously from the feeling that I was isolated and unique in the world. I strove against the habit of masturbation and my perverted tastes with all my might. Scourges, vigils, burnings, all were of no avail. Deeper reading in the Classics showed me how common was the taste of sex for the same sex. At 27 I began to have a settled philosophy. Then as now, I made endless resolutions to avoid masturbation, though I can see nothing wrong in the mutual act of two persons drawn together by love. I am and always have been an extremely religious man, and if I am not altogether an orthodox Catholic, do my duties and have a high sense of the supernatural. I suffered much from melancholy from my earliest years. At 18, though nothing definitely was wrong, a vague but profound _malaise_ induced me to open the veins of my arm. I fainted, however, and was promptly succored. At the age of 35, after a return from abroad, I took an enormous dose of poison. This time again a singular coincidence saved me, and I once more came back to life. After this I purposely went abroad to obtain death and sought it in every possible way. Quite in vain, as you see. One thing I have never had a fear of, but have always longed for--Death. I am sure that if we only knew what joys lay on the other side of death, the whole world would rush madly to suicide. I have, apart from any perversion of taste, an honest and genuine passion for children and animals, and I am never happier than when in their society. Both adore me.
"My life has not dimmed nor deadened my faculties, for I am occupied at the present time with very important work and I write steadily. But my real life is passed in my visions, which take me into another world quite as real as this sensuous one, and where I always retreat on all occasions possible. And yet, a strange paradox--I am a convinced Stoic and almost confine my reading to Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and the 'Imitation.' I am extremely emotional, fond of the society of women, though I loathe the sexual side of them, and when I love, though passion is certainly inextricably mixed, the prevailing sentiment is spiritual. I shall probably end by being a Carthusian or a fakir."
HISTORY XXIII.--Englishman, aged 70, of German descent on father's side. Was first child of his mother, who was 36 at his birth; a younger brother normal; has no other relatives.
He was brought up in England, and went to school at the age of 13. At a very early age, between 6 and 8, was deeply impressed by the handsome face of a young man, a royal trumpeter on horseback, seen in a procession. This, and the sight of the naked body of young men in a rowing-match on the river, caused great commotion, but not of a definitely sexual character. This was increased by the sight of a beautiful male model of a young Turk smoking, with his dress open in front, showing much of the breast and below the waist. He became familiar with pictures, admired the male figures of Italian martyrs, and the full, rich forms of the Antinous, and he read with avidity the _Arabian Nights_ and other Oriental tales, translations from the classics, Suetonius, Petronius, etc. He drew naked models in life schools, and delighted in male ballet-dancers. As a child, he used to perform in private theatricals; he excelled in female parts, and sang the songs of Madame Vestris, encouraged in this by his father.
The sexual organs have never been fully developed, and the testicles, though large, are of a flabby consistence. He cannot whistle. He thinks he ought to have been a woman.
At school he was shy and reserved, and had no particular intimacy with anyone, although he once desired it. He learned self-abuse from his younger brother, who had learned it from an older boy. He has never had erotic dreams. He never touched anyone but his brother until later when travelling in Italy, and then only his fellow-traveller. When travelling in Asia Minor he had many opportunities, but always put them aside from fear, afterward regretting his fearfulness. He yearned for intimacy with particular friends, but never dared to express it. He went much to theaters, and what he saw there incited him to masturbation. When he was about 30 years of age his reserve, and his fear of treachery and extortion, were at last overcome by an incident which occurred late at night at the Royal Exchange, and again in a dark recess in the gallery of the Olympic Theater when Gustavus Brooke was performing. From that time the Adelphi Theater, the Italian Opera, and the open parks at night became his fields of adventure. He remarks that among people crowding to witness a fire he found many opportunities. His especial intimates were a railway clerk and an Italian model. In more recent years he has chiefly found gratification among footmen and policemen.
He is exclusively passive; also likes mutual _fellatio_. He used greatly to admire finely developed forms (conscious of his own shortcomings), shapely limbs, and delicate brown hair, and always admired strength and manly vigor. He never took any interest in boys, and has always been indifferent to women.
HISTORY XXIV.--A medical man, English, aged 30. He believes that his father, who was a magistrate, was very sympathetic toward men; on several occasions he has sat with him on the bench when cases of indecent assault were brought up; he discharged three cases, although there could be little doubt as to their guilt, and was very lenient to the others.
From the age of 9 he loved to sleep with his brother, ten years older, who was in the navy; they slept in different beds, and the child went to bed early, but he always kept awake to see his brother undress, as he adored his naked body; and would then get into his bed. He learned the habit of masturbation from his brother at the age of 9; at that time there was no sexual orgasm, but watching it in his brother was a perpetual source of wonder and pleasure. During his brother's absence at sea the boy longed for his return and would practice self-abuse with the thought of his brother's naked body before him. This brother's death was a source of great grief. At the age of 12 he went to boarding-school and was constantly falling in love with good-looking boys. He was always taken into one of the bigger boys' beds. At this age he was thoroughly able to enjoy the sexual orgasm with boys. His erotic dreams have always been of men and especially of boys; he has never dreamed sexually of women. From the age of 9 to the age of 21, when he left school, he never gave women a thought sexually, though he always liked their society. For two years after leaving school he had connection with women, not because he thought there was sin in loving his own sex, but because he regarded it as a thing that no one did after leaving school. During these two years he still really preferred men and used to admire the figures of soldiers and sailors. He then paid a visit to London, which may be described in his own words: "I went to see an old schoolfellow who was living there. In his room was a young fellow, fair, extremely good looking, with a good figure and charming manners. From that moment all my past recollections came back. I could not get him out of my mind; in fact, I was in love with him. I pictured him naked before me as a lovely statue; my dreams were frequent at night, always of him. For a fortnight afterward I practised masturbation with the picture of his lovely face and form always before me. We became fast friends, and from that day women have never entered my thoughts."
Although up to the present he has no wish or intention to marry, he believes that he will eventually do so, because it is thought desirable in his profession; but he is quite sure that his love and affection for men and boys will never lessen.
In earlier life he preferred men from 20 to 35; now he likes boys from 16 upward; grooms, for instance, who must be good looking, well developed, cleanly, and of a lovable, unchanging nature; but he would prefer gentlemen. He does not care for mere mutual embracing and reciprocal masturbation; when he really loves a man he desires _pedicatio_ in which he is himself the passive subject.
He has curly hair and moustache, and well-developed sexual organs. His habits are masculine; he has always enjoyed field sports, and can swim, ride, drive, and skate. At the same time, he is devoted to music, can draw and paint, and is an ardent admirer of male statuary. While fond of practical occupations of every sort, he dislikes anything that is theoretical.
He adds: "As a medical man, I fail to see morally any unhealthiness, or anything that nature should be ashamed of, in connection with, and sympathy for, men."
HISTORY XXV.--A.S. Schoolmaster, aged 46.
"My father was, I should say, below the average in capacity for friendship. He liked young girls, and was never interested in boys. He was a man of strongly Puritanical morality, capable of condemning with gloomy bitterness. He was also a man capable of great sacrifice for principle, and mentally very well endowed. My mother was a clever, practical woman, with wide sympathies. She was capable of warm friendship, especially toward those younger than herself. Her father (whom I never saw) was a teacher. He was devoted to his wife, but also delighted in the company of young men. He had always some young man on his arm, my mother would tell me. My mother's family is of Welsh descent. I learned to read at 5, and I can scarcely have been more than 6 when I used to read again and again David's lament for Absalom. Even now I can dimly recall the siren charm for me of that melancholy refrain, 'O my son Absalom...O Absalom, my son, my son!' Of late, when I have thought of the amount of devotion I have shown to lads, and the amount I have sometimes suffered for them, I have felt as if there were something almost weirdly prophetic in that early incident.
"I was always an impressionable creature. My mother was very musical, and her singing 'got hold' of me wonderfully. The dramatic and the poetic always strongly appealed to me.
"I felt I should like to act; but I never dared. In the same way I felt that one day I should like to be a schoolmaster, but I dared not say so. A shy, retiring creature was obviously unfitted for such occupations. Well, the teaching came about, and the strange part was that the boys were somehow or other attracted by me, and the 'worst' customers were attracted most. And there came a chance of acting too. Owing to some difficulties about the cast in a play at school, I took a part. After that I _knew_ that (within a certain range) I could act. I spent two holidays with a dramatic company. I should undoubtedly have remained on the stage, but for one thing. I don't wish to be sanctimonious, but dirty and ugly jokes are odious to me. It was this sort of thing that drove me away. I threw myself into the school work instead.
"It was partly the dramatic interest, partly a quite genuine interest in human nature, that led me to do some preaching too. When I had been badly hurt by one or two youngsters whom I loved, I thought of going in for pastoral work, but this too was given up--and very wisely. I should never be able to work comfortably with any organization. For one thing I have a way of taking on new ideas, and organizations do not like that. For another, all social functions are anathema to me.
"Interest in 'art' as usually understood began to be marked only after I was 30. It started with architecture and passed on to painting and sculpture. The tendency to do rather a variety (too great a variety) of things characterizes many uranians. We are rather like the labile chemical compounds: our molecules readily rearrange themselves.
"As a boy of 10 I had the ordinary sweethearting with a girl of the same age. The incident is worth perhaps a little further comment for the following reason: When I was 16 years old the girl lived with us for a year. She was a nice, pleasant, bright girl, and she thought a great deal of me. I was strongly attracted by her. I remember especially one little incident. I had been showing her how to do some algebra and she was kneeling at the table by the side of my chair. Her hair was flowing over her shoulders and she looked rather charming. She expressed warm admiration of the way I had worked the problem out. I remember that I deliberately squashed out the feeling of attraction that came over me. I scarcely know why I did this; but I fancy there was a vague sense that I did not want my work disturbed. There was no sexual attraction or, at least, none that was manifest. The girl, there is no doubt, grew to love me. I am sorry to say that in two other cases, later, women loved me, and have both permanently remained unmarried on my account. I sometimes feel that in a wisely free society I should be able to give both of these women children. That I believe I could do, and I think it would be an immense satisfaction to them. A permanent union with a woman would, however, be impossible to me. A permanent union with a man would, I believe, be possible. At least I know that attractions which have been at all homosexual in character have in my case been very lasting.
"I was strongly attracted when not more than 13 to a lad slightly older. It was a love story, there is no doubt, but I do not recollect any outer sexual signs. There were other passing cases, but in no case was there any warm response till I was 15. I then made friends with a lad of entirely different type from myself. I was a reader. I liked long walks and fresh air, but I was too shy to go in for sports. Indeed I was frightfully shy. He was a great sportsman and always at home in society. But he asked me to help him with some work, and we took to working together. I grew passionately fond of him. His caresses always caused some erection. Personally, I believe it would have been wiser to have obtained complete sexual expression. The absence of knowledge led to two distinctly undesirable results. The first was marked congestion and pain at times; the second was a tendency to a sort of modified masochism. There is always, I suppose, some erotic attraction about the buttocks, and of course also, to boys, they afford an irresistibly attractive mark for a good smack. I found that when this lad spanked me it produced some amount of sexual excitement, and the desire for this form of stimulus grew upon me. The result, in my case, was bad. It was sensualism, not love. I can say this with confidence, because in a much later case of deeply passionate love, I shrank from any such method, but the mutual, naked embrace I found was for me an absolutely natural and _pure_ expression of love. I never felt any touch of grossness in it, and it destroyed the earlier and (for me at least) less wholesome desire.
"The school friendship disappeared with the marriage of my friend. I was furiously jealous, and the young man's mother was opposed to me, but I still think of that early friendship with tenderness. I know that my boy friend was the first who made me capable of self-expression, the first who taught me how to make friends at all. And if he still cared for me, I know that his love would be dear to me still.
"My chief regret, as I look back, is that I did not know about these things early. I cannot but think that all youngsters should be spoken to about the love of comrades and encouraged to seek help in any sort of trouble that this may bring. We homogenic folk may be but a small percentage of mankind, but our numbers are still great, and surely the making or marring of our lives should count for something. At college I fell violently in love with a friend with whom I did work in science. He loved me too, though not with such heat. He also was largely uranian, but this I only realized a year or two back. He remains unmarried, and is still my friend. We did some research work together which is pretty well known. I am quite sure that the love we had for each other gave tremendous zest to our work and greatly increased our powers.
"While I was working at college I was interested in a lad who was working as errand boy for a city firm. I helped him to get better training, and spent money on him. My father was making me some allowance at the time and demurred. I said I would in future support myself, and in this way came to take up schoolmastering. I at once became quite absorbed in my work with the boys. Of course I loved them. And here I feel I must touch upon what seems to me a characteristic of most of us uranians. Our genital organs are with us ordinarily and usually organs of _expression_. The clean-minded heterogenic man is apt to look upon such a view of the genital organs as monstrous; we, on the other hand, are compelled (at least for ourselves) to regard it as the natural and pure one. For my own part I had many Puritan prejudices--prejudices that I retained for many a long and weary day--but my affection for those of my own sex so often expressed itself by some sexual stirring, and more or less erection, that I was _obliged_ to look upon this as inevitable, and in general I paid no attention to it whatever. It was the older boys' who sometimes attracted me strongly. My love for them was I know a genuinely spiritual thing, though inevitably having some physical expression. I was capable of great devotion to them and sacrifice for them, and I would certainly rather have died than have injured them. The boys got on well with me. I was never weak with them, and I was able to allow all kinds of familiarities without any loss of respect. The older boys usually, out of class, called me by my Christian name, and I remember one writing to ask me whether he might do so, as it made him feel 'nearer' to me. A few of the lads I of course loved with special devotion. They kissed me and loved to have me embrace them. One of these was, I now know, pure uranian, and there was in his case certainly some sexual response, but though I often slept with him, when he was a lad of 17 and 18, there was never any idea in our minds of any sexual act. We are still warm friends, and always kiss when we meet. Looking back upon those days, I feel that I was a little inclined to pass on from one love to another, but each was a genuine devotion, and involved real hard work on the lad's behalf. And I know that where the lad stuck to me into manhood a real tenderness and love remain still.
"While teaching I made the acquaintance of a non-conformist minister, who, though happily married, had certainly some homogenic tendencies. He was most devoted to boys and helped me with regard to some difficult cases. It was the difficult cases that always attracted me. I had to punish these lads and my friend recommended spanking with the hand on the bare buttocks. I mention that I adopted this method, because it might have been thought specially dangerous to me. It certainly never produced in me the remotest suggestion of any sexual act, though it did sometimes produce a slight amount of sexual excitement. I disregarded this, or put it out of my mind, as I found the method most efficacious. It was capable of great variation of intensity, and the boys were always ready to joke about it. I never came across a case where any sexual excitement was produced by it. The boys whom I had to be most 'down' on almost always, however, grew fonder of me. There may be a slight and normal masochistic tendency in most boys, and _perhaps_ the erogenic character of the buttocks has something to do with the development of affection. If so, I am inclined to regard it as normal and useful rather than otherwise, for in my experience no undesirable result was ever produced. But then, of course, there was no playing with the business; that might, I am sure, in some cases be decidedly injurious.
"One experience of my schoolmastering days is, I think, important in its bearing upon general sexual psychology. I always noticed that during the term I was specially free from 'wet dreams.' What is noteworthy is this: During term there was never anything more than a very partial sexual expression of any feeling of mine, such expression indeed as was wholly inevitable. There was therefore no actual loss of semen, and it seems clear that the 'wet dreams' were not due to mere physical pressure. The psychic satisfaction of love in this case made the complete physical expression less urgent. But it was a love of a distinctly tender kind that was needed to keep the physical from obtruding. Of that further experience has made me sure. I am, moreover, now convinced that a _mutual_ uranian love will reach its best results, both spiritual and physical, where there is complete sexual expression.
"Of the character of the sexual dreams I have had, there is not much to be said. During the period of masochistic tendency, they were masochistic in character; otherwise they have been dreams simply of the naked embrace. Usually there has been a considerable element of ideal love in the dream. I have not more than three times at most dreamed of intercourse with one of the opposite sex. There was only in one case anything that I could call actual emotion in such a dream. The other dreams have often (not always) been dreams of real yearning, and not at all what I should call merely sensual.
"In the course of time I wanted more freedom to do things in my own way than could be obtained in a public school. I started a school of my own. The work was for a good many years very happy. I loved the boys, and they loved me. I was active, ardent, and they made a chum of me. But people got into the way of sending me awkward customers. I poured out my love on these, I used myself up for them. Unfortunately (though I was never 'orthodox') my Puritanical morality was still strong within me, my views of human psychology were too limited, and I imposed them on the boys. Some were very devoted; but, as years went by and the proportion of _mauvais sujets_ increased, there tended to be a split in the small camp and one or two boys whom I loved deceived me terribly. To a man of my temperament this was heart-rending and from then the work was doomed. Troubles at school went along with troubles at home, and these things contributed to center my affection upon a lad who was with me, and who had given me much trouble. For some reason or other I went on believing that he would get right. Deceit was his great difficulty. He was certainly partly homosexual himself. Looking back I can see that with a wider and more charitable knowledge I could have dealt more wisely and helpfully with certain homosexual episodes of his. I am convinced now that mere sweeping condemnation of the physical is not the wholesome way of help. However, to cut the story short, all seemed at last to go well, and the lad was growing into a young man. Our love deepened, and we always slept together, but quite ascetically. Later, when quite in his young manhood he had left school, there was, unfortunately, misunderstandings with his parents, who forbad him to sleep with me. What followed is of some importance. Up till then, though certainly his affection seemed ardent, I had observed no sexual signs on his part. I had been quite frank with him as to mine. He was then 19, and I thought old enough to have things explained to him. Sleeping with him I had found peaceful and helpful, and more than once he told me that it greatly helped him. But _after we were forbidden to sleep together_, I found the passion in me more difficult to control, and it suddenly leaped out in him. We were still, however, rather ascetic, though we used to kiss each other, and we used to embrace naked. This produced emission not infrequently with me, but only once with him, though always powerful erection. I would not allow any friction. Perhaps this