"About 14, much interested in Bradlaugh, I bought both the Knowlton pamphlet and Mrs. Besant's population book. I found the physical details in scientific language so dull that I could not peruse them. By reading the argumentative passages I learned that _somehow_ (I knew not how) children could be produced or not produced as desired; and in this stage of the matter it seemed to me so admirable that it should be so that I wondered why there should be cavil.
"About this age my elder brother believed it to be his duty to tell me the secrets of sex; I remember his talking to me, while I, bored and uninterested, thought of something else. When he finished I had heard nothing. Remember, I felt no shame on the matter--none at all. I was simply bored. This I attribute to two things: first, my preponderating interest in the romantic side of things; secondly (and this bears with it a strong moral), _the feeling that the knowledge lay always within my grasp kept me from that curiosity which so oft consumes those who think it is hidden away from them_.
"The changes of puberty came naturally and without startling me. Even the fact of emissions--which took place during sleep at intervals, unaccompanied by dreams or by any physical prostration afterward--has left on my memory no recollection of surprise; I knew it to be somehow connected with generation, but I had no physical trouble, and I am quite sure I did not bother further about it. The best possible proof of this lies in the fact that my memory is a blank on the matter. At the age of 21 (I take this from a diary, so I know it is correct) I was still ignorant as to intrinsic fact. Then I pulled myself together and felt it was really time I learned the actual details of the matter. I went to a clever friend of mine and asked him to tell me all about it. He expressed himself astounded at my not knowing; and he had very great shyness about telling me. In fact, I had to drag facts out of him by a real cross-examination, during which he persistently marveled at my ignorance. Though he had a great deal of false shame about the matter, I had none at all. His revelations considerably surprised me, because I had no idea that there was actual intromission. When I came to reflect on what I had learned the fact of this close physical intimacy appealed to me as being quite poetic and beautiful between two lovers; and I have had no reason since to change my opinion.
"_Summary._--1. Romantic interest in girls and women commencing early and remaining persistently.
"2. Knowledge before puberty of the fact that this interest was based on the all-important process of reproduction.
"3. Absence of further physical curiosity even at puberty itself.
"4. Knowledge ultimately acquired without shock.
"The physical in sex has never been any bother to me, neither have I bothered about it. I have recognized it, frankly, and don't see why I shouldn't, but my unashamed recognition has probably been because the merely physical is less absorbing to me than to most. Mental and emotional interest in passion has absorbed me greatly, but the merely physical has sunk into what I call its natural place of subordination. Nature is kind. It is our 'conspiracy of silence' which tends to emphasize physical detail."
HISTORY VII.--G.D., who is a doctor and a man of science, writes: "There is a strong history of gout on the paternal side. No history of alcohol, tubercle, brain trouble, or of the arthropathies. There is some reason to believe that two of my maternal aunts were sexually frigid, and perhaps this was true to a less extent of my mother, who had a contracted pelvis, necessitating the induction of labor at the eighth month of pregnancy.
"About the age of 7 a German nursery governess, B., took charge of me, and I soon became devoted to her. I was then a delicate child, and used to suffer frequently from nightmare, waking up screaming and covered with sweat. When this happened, B. would sometimes take me into her bed and soothe me with kisses, etc. These I returned, and can remember that I was particularly fond of kissing her breasts.
"About this time a girl cousin, A., about a year older than myself, was one of my most frequent playmates. I endeavored to monopolize her company and attention, and on this account often came to blows with C., a cousin rather younger than myself, who has since told me that he was then 'in love' with A. and 'jealous' of me. I believe I was really jealous and in love at the time, but cannot remember that anything in the nature of caresses took place between A. and myself.
"Some time later, probably when I was about 9, something led up to B. saying that she was not built like I was, that she had no penis, etc. (I cannot remember my nursery term for penis.) I was incredulous, and demanded to be allowed to see if it was true; this was refused, and I made many plans to gratify my curiosity, such as slipping into her room when she was dressing, tipping up the chair she was sitting in, and trying to suddenly thrust my hand up under her skirts. I did not succeed in finding out, but have since thought that, although she did not allow me to attain the object of my efforts, the later game caused her pleasurable sensations. I regard these efforts as being prompted purely by curiosity; I had no feelings of warmth or irritations of the genitals, and I certainly never manipulated them, nor was I, as far as I can judge, an unusually prurient small boy. B. left when I was about 10, when I went to a preparatory school.
"At 12½ I was sent to a public school, and was then told by my father the chief facts of sex and warned to avoid masturbation. My first wet dream took place when I was 14. Rather before this I had begun to suffer with severe intermittent testicular neuralgia which practically defied all treatment and continued on and off for four or five years, the attacks gradually becoming fewer and less severe.
"When 15, circumstances compelled me to leave school and to live for two years at the seaside with no companions of my own age. I had, however, the run of a well-stocked library, and fished and collected insects energetically.
"At 16 I made love to the trained nurse attending my mother, but, owing more, I think, to my timidity than to the austerity of her virtue, got no further than kissing. About this time wet dreams became inconveniently frequent; they would occur three or four times weekly, and resisted the stock remedies. At 17 I was advised to try connection. This I did, and found but little pleasure in the act, there being a strong esthetic objection to the 'love that keeps awake for lure.'
"About this time I found in the United States Pharmacopoeia a remedy for my emissions, which have, however, always remained rather more frequent than those of the average individual, judging from the experience of my friends. Emissions are generally accompanied by lascivious dreams, but at times take place when I dream that I am hurrying to catch a train, or to micturate against time.
"I have of late years (not noticed till after 20) observed that the dream accompanying emission is shorter; so that, whereas up to, say, 21 I generally performed the whole physiological act with my dream-charmer, I now almost invariably emit and awake before intromission has taken place. There has been no alternation comparable to this in the performance of the act while I am awake.
"As regards my physique I should mention that all my reflexes are very brisk, though I am only slightly ticklish in the ordinary sense of the term. I sweat easily and am very shy, not only with women, but with any strangers. I have, however, trained myself not to show this. About averagely passionate, I should say, and extremely critical where women are concerned, the latter quality often keeping me chaste for months at a time."
HISTORY VIII.--"When I was about 8 years old" (states the lady who is the subject of the present observation) "I remember that, with several other children, we used to play in an old garden at being father and mother, unfastening our drawers and bringing the sexual parts together, as we imagined married people to do, but no sexual feelings were aroused, nor did the boys have erections." When about 10 years old she became conscious of a pleasurable sensation associated with the smell of leather, which has ever since persisted. At that age she was sometimes left to wait in the office of a wholesale business house full of leather-bound ledgers. She did not then notice the sensation particularly, and was certainly not conscious of any connection with sexual emotion. Menstruation was established at 13½ years. Distinct sexual feelings were first observed a few months later. "The first feelings of love which I ever felt were at the age of 14 for a nice, manly boy of my own age, who often came to our house. He liked me, but was not in love with me. It was very seldom that he would sit by me and hold my hand, as I wished him. This went on till I was about 17, when he went to the university. After his first term he came back and was then attracted to me; but, though I loved him very much, I was too proud to show it. When he tried to kiss me, I resisted, though I longed for it.
Thinking I was greatly offended, he apologized, which only made me angry. All these years I was worshiping at his shrine and mixed him up with all my ideas of life." Whenever she was near him she experienced physical sensations, with moistening of the vulva. This continued till she was about 20, but the object of these emotions never again attempted any advances.
At 19 she became engaged to someone else. At the beginning she was physically indifferent to her lover, but when he first kissed her she became greatly excited. The engagement, however, was soon broken off from absence of strong affection on either side and chiefly, it would seem, from the cooling of the lover's ardor. She thinks he would have been more strongly attached to her if she had been colder to him, or pretended to be, instead of responding with simplicity and frankness.
During the next few years little occurred. She was working hard, and her amusements would mostly, she says, be regarded as rather childish. She was extremely fond of dancing, and she was always pleased when anyone paid her attention. She was frequently conscious of sexual feelings, sometimes tormented by them, and she regarded this as something to be ashamed of. The constant longing for love was affected little or not at all by hard work. "At about this time I was very fond of abandoning myself to day-dreams. I was very glad if I could get everyone out of the house and lie on an easy chair or the bed. I liked especially to read poetry, all the more if I did not quite understand it. This would lead me on to all sorts of dreams of love, which, however, never went beyond the preliminaries of actual love--as that was all I then knew of love." The only climax to her dream of love was founded on a piece of information volunteered by a married woman many years earlier, when she was about 12. This lady--evidently agreeing with Rousseau (who in _Emile_ commended the mother's reply to the child's query whence babies come, "Les femmes les pissent, mon enfant, avec des grands douleurs") that the unknown should first be explained to the young in terms of the known--told her that the husband micturated into the wife. She therefore used to imagine a lover who would bear her away into a forest and do this on her as she lay at the foot of a tree. (At a later date she accidentally discovered that a full bladder tended to enhance sexual feelings, and occasionally resorted to this physical measure of heightening excitement.) All the physical sensations of sexual desire were called out by these day-dreams, with abundant secretion, but never the orgasm. Her reveries never led to masturbation or to allied manifestations, which have never taken place. Such a method of relief has, indeed, never offered any temptation to her and she doubts even its possibility in her case. (At a later period of life, however, at the age of 31, masturbation began and was practised at intervals.) At the same time she remarks that, while no orgasm (of which, indeed, she was then ignorant) ever occurred, the sexual excitement produced by the day-dreams was sufficiently great to cause a feeling of relief afterward. These day-dreams were the only way in which the sexual erethism was discharged. She cannot recall having erotic dreams or any sexual manifestations during sleep.
Spontaneous sexual excitement was present a few days before menstruation, and fairly marked during and immediately after the period. It also tended to recur in the middle of the intermenstrual period.
The pleasurable sensation connected with the smell of leather became more marked as she approached adult age. It was especially pronounced about the age of 24, and the sexual emotion it produced (with moisture of the vulva) was then clearly conscious. No other odor produced this effect in such a marked degree. It was often associated with leather bags, but not with boots, though on rubbing the leather of shoes she found that this odor was given out. She cannot account for its origin, and does not connect any association with it. It never affected her conduct or led to fetichistic habits.
Some other odors affect her in the same way, though not to the same degree as leather. This is more especially the case with some flowers, especially white flowers with heavy odors, like gardenias. Many flowers, on the other hand, like primroses, seem rather opposed to sex effect, too fresh, though stimulating to the mind. Some artificial scents tend to produce sexual effects also. Personal odors have no influence of this kind. (At a later period the sexual influence of personal odors was occasionally experienced, but the present history deals only with the period before marriage.)
She believes that most beautiful things, however unconnected with sex, have a tendency to produce distinctively sexual feelings in a faint degree, although sometimes more marked, with secretion. She has, however, never experienced homosexual feeling, and, on first consideration, was inclined to believe that the sight of a beautiful woman had no sexual effect on her, though she could quite understand such an effect. Subsequently, on recalling as well as observing her experiences more carefully, she found that a lovely woman's face and figure (especially on one occasion the very graceful figure of a beautiful fairy in a ballet) produced distinct sexual sensations (with mucous emission). Music, however, has strongly emotional effects upon her, and she cannot recall that she ever felt any equally powerful influence of this kind in the absence of music.
Looking back on the development of her feelings she finds that, though in some respects they may have been slow, they were simple, natural, spontaneous, and correspond to "the dawning and progress which go on in the development of every girl. While it is going on in actual fact, the girl does not know or bother herself about trying to understand it. Afterward it seems quite clear and simple. Full occupation of the brain, and hands too, while it does not do away with desire, is a great help and safeguard to a growing girl, when combined with proper information about herself and her relation to man the animal, so that she may realize where she is and how to choose the right man--though under the best conditions failure may occur."
HISTORY IX.--The subject belongs to a large family having some neurotic members; she spent her early life on a large farm. She is vigorous and energetic, has intellectual tastes, and is accustomed to think for herself, from unconventional standpoints, on many subjects. Her parents were very religious, and not, she thinks, of sensual temperament. Her own early life was free from associations of a sexual character, and she can recall little that now seems to be significant in this respect. She remembers that in childhood and for some time later she believed that children were born through the navel. Her activities went chiefly into humanitarian and utopian directions, and she cherished ideas of a large, healthy, free life, untrammeled by civilization. She regards herself as very passionate, but her sexual emotions appear to have developed very slowly and have been somewhat intellectualized. After reaching adult life she has formed several successive relationships with men to whom she has been attracted by affinity in temperament, in intellectual views, and in tastes. These relationships have usually been followed by some degree of disillusion, and so have been dissolved. She does not believe in legal marriage, though under fitting circumstances she would much like to have a child.
She never masturbated until the age of 27. At that time a married friend told her that such a thing could be done. She found it gave her decided pleasure, indeed, more than coitus had ever given her except with one man. She has never practised it to excess, only at rare intervals, and is of the opinion that it is decidedly beneficial when thus moderately indulged in. She has sometimes found, for instance, that, after the mental excitement masturbation were not resorted to as a sedative to relieve the tension.
Spontaneous sexual excitement is strongest just before the monthly period.
Definite sexual dreams and sexual excitement during sleep have not occurred except possibly on one or two occasions.
She has from girlhood experienced erotic day-dreams, imagining love-stories of which she herself was the heroine; the climax of these stories has developed with her own developing knowledge of sexual matters.
She is not inverted, and has never been in love with a woman. She finds, however, that a beautiful woman is distinctly a sexual excitation, calling out definite physical manifestations of sexual emotion. She explains this by saying that she thinks she instinctively puts herself in the place of a man and feels as it seems to her a man would feel.
She finds that music excites the sexual emotions, as well as many scents, whether of flowers, the personal odor of the beloved person, or artificial perfumes.
HISTORY X.--The subject is of German extraction on both sides. The father is of marked intellectual tastes, as also is she herself. There is no unhealthy strain in the family so far as she is aware, though they all have very strong passions. She is well developed, healthy, vigorous, and athletic, any trouble to which she is subject being mainly due to overwork.
Looking back on her childhood, she can now see various sexual manifestations occurring at a period when she was quite ignorant of sex matters. "The very first," she writes, "was at the age of 6. I remember once sitting astride a banister while my parents were waiting for me outside. I distinctly remember a pleasurable sensation--probably in part due to a physical feeling--in the thought of staying there when I knew I ought to have run out to them. From that year till the age of 10 I simply reveled in the idea of being tortured. I went gladly to bed every night to imagine myself a slave, chained, beaten, made to carry loads and do ignominious work. One of my imaginings, I remember, was that I was chained to a moldering skeleton." As she grew older these fancies were discontinued. At the same time there was a trace of sadistic tendency: "I used to frighten and tease a young child, driven to it by an irresistible impulse, and experiencing a certain pleasurable feeling in so doing. But this, I am glad to say, was rare, as I hate all cruelty."
One of her favorite imaginings as a child was that she was a boy, and especially that she was a knight rescuing damsels in distress. She was not fond of girls' occupations, and has always had a sort of chivalrous feeling toward women.
"When I first heard of the sexual act," she writes, "it appeared to me so absurd that I took little notice. About the age of 10 I discussed it a good deal with other girls, and we used to play childishly indecent games--out of pure mischief and not from any definite physical feeling."
About a year after menstruation was established she accidentally discovered the act of masturbation by leaning over a table. "I discovered it naturally; no one taught me; and the very naturalness of the impulse that led me to it often made me in later years question the harmfulness." Both her sisters masturbated from a very early age, but not, to her knowledge, her brother. The practice of masturbation was continued. "For many years, imbued with the old ideas of morality, I struggled against it in vain. The sight of animals copulating, the perusal of various books (Shakespeare, Rabelais, Gautier's _Mademoiselle de Maupin_, etc.), the sight of the nude in some Bacchanalian pictures (such as Rubens's), all aroused passion. Coexistent with this--perhaps (though I doubt it) due to it--arose a disgust for normal intercourse. I fell in love and enjoyed kisses, etc., but the mere thought of anything beyond disgusted me. Had my lover suggested such a thing I would have lost all love for him. But all this time I went on masturbating, though as seldom as possible and without thought of my lover. Love was to me a thing ideal and quite apart from lust, and I still think that it is false to try to connect the two. I fear that even now, if I fell in love, sexual intercourse would break the charm. At the age of 18 I came across Tolstoy's _Kreutzer Sonata_ and was overjoyed to find all I had thought written down there. Gradually, through seeing a friend happily married, I have grown to a more normal view of things. I am very critical of men and have never met one liberal-minded and just enough to please me. Perhaps if I did I might take a perfectly healthy view of things."
In course of time various devices had been adopted to heighten sexual excitement when indulging in masturbation. Thus, for instance, she found that the effects of sexual excitement are increased by keeping the bladder full. But the chief method which she had devised for heightening and prolonging the preliminary excitement consisted in wearing tight stays (as a rule, she wears loose stays) and in painting her face. She cannot herself explain this. Self-excitement is completed by friction, or sometimes by the introduction of a piece of wood into the vagina. She finds that, the more frequently she masturbates, the more easily she is excited. Spontaneous sexual feeling is strongest before and after the menstrual period; not so much so during the periods.
There are various faint traces of homosexuality, it may be gathered, in the history of this subject's sexual development. Recently these have come to a climax in the formation of a homosexual relationship with a girl friend. This relationship has given her great pleasure and satisfaction. She does not, however, regard herself as being a really inverted person.
There have been vivid sexual dreams from about 17 (apparently about the period of the relationship with the lover). These dreams have not, however, had special reference to persons of either sex.
Apart from the influence of books and pictures already mentioned, she remarks that she is sexually affected by the personal odor of a beloved person, but is not consciously affected by any other odors.
HISTORY XI.--Widower, aged 40 years. Surgeon. "My experience of sexual matters began early. When I was about 10 years of age a boy friend who was staying with us told me that his sister made him uncover his person, with which she played and encouraged him to do the same for her. He said it was great fun, and suggested that we should take two of my sisters into an old barn and repeat his experience on them. This we did, and tried all we could to have connection with them; they were nothing loath and did all they could to help us, but nothing was effected and I experienced no pleasure in it.
"When I went back to school I attracted the attention of one of the big boys who slept in the same room with me; he came into my bed and began to play with my member, saying that it was the usual thing to do and would give me pleasure. I did not feel any pleasure, but I liked the attention, and rather enjoyed playing with his member, which was of large size, and surrounded by thick pubic hair. After I had played with him for some time I was surprised at his having an emission of sticky matter. Afterward he rubbed me again, saying that if I let him do it long enough he would produce the same substance from me. This he failed to do, however, though he rubbed me long and frequently, on that and many other occasions. I was very disappointed at not being able to have an emission, and on every occasion that offered I endeavored to excite myself to the extent of compassing this. I used to ask to go out of school two or three times a day, and retired to the closet, where I practised on myself most diligently, but to no purpose, at that time, though I began to have pleasurable emotions in the act.
"When I went home for the holidays I took a great interest in one of my father's maids, whose legs I felt as she ran upstairs one day. I was in great fear that she would complain of what I had done, but I was delighted to find that she did nothing of the sort; on the contrary, she took to kissing and fondling me, calling me her sweetheart and saying that I was a forward boy. This encouraged me greatly, and I was not long in getting to more intimate relations with her. She called me into her room one day when we were alone in the house, she being in a half-dressed condition, and put me on the bed and laid herself on me, kissing me passionately on the mouth. She next unbuttoned my trousers and fondled and kissed my member, and directed my hand to her privates. I became very much excited and trembled violently, but was able to do for her what she wanted in the way of masturbation until she became wet. After this we had many meetings in which we embraced and she let me introduce my member until she had satisfied herself, though I was too young to have an emission.
"On return to school I practised mutual masturbation with several of my schoolfellows, and finally, at the age of 14 years, had my first real emission. I was greatly pleased thereat, and, with this and the growth of hair which began to show on my pubis, began to feel myself quite a man. I loved lying in the arms of another boy, pressing against his body, and fondling his person and being fondled by him in return. We always finished up with mutual masturbation. We never indulged in any unnatural connections.
"After leaving school I had no opportunity of indulging in relations with my own sex, and, indeed, did not wish for such, as I became a slave to the charms of the other sex, and passed most of my time in either enjoying, or planning to enjoy, love passages with them.
"The sight of a woman's limbs or bust, especially if partly hidden by pretty underclothing, and the more so if seen by stealth, was sufficient to give a lustful feeling and a violent erection, accompanied by palpitation of the heart and throbbing in the head.
"I had frequent coitus at the age of 17, as well as masturbating regularly. I liked to perform masturbation on a girl, even more than I liked having connection with her; and this was especially so in the case of girls who had never had masturbation practised on them before; I loved to see the look of surprised pleasure appear on their faces as they felt the delightful and novel sensation.
"To gratify this desire I persuaded dozens of girls to allow me to take liberties with them, and it would surprise you to learn what a number of girls, many of them in good social position, permitted me the liberty I desired, though the supply was never equal to my demand.
"With a view to enlarging my opportunities I took up the study of medicine as a profession, and reveled in the chances it gave of being on intimate sexual terms with many who would have been, otherwise, out of my reach.
"At the age of 25 I married the daughter of an officer, a beautiful girl with a fully developed figure and an amorous disposition. While engaged, we used to pass hours wrapped in each other's arms, practising mutual masturbation, or I would kiss her passionately on the mouth, introducing my tongue into her mouth at intervals, with the invariable result that I had an emission and she went off into sighs and shivers. After marriage we practised all sorts of fancy coitus, _coitus reservatus_, etc., and rarely passed twenty-four hours without two conjunctions, until she got far on in the family way, and our play had to cease for a while.
"During this interval I went to stay at the house of an old schoolfellow, who had been one of my lovers of days gone by. It happened that on account of the number of guests staying in the house the bed accommodation was somewhat scanty, and I agreed to share my friend's bedroom. The sight of his naked body as he undressed gave rise to lustful feelings in me; and when he had turned out the light I stole across to his bed and got in beside him. He made no objection, and we passed the night in mutual masturbation and embraces, _coitus inter femora_, etc. I was surprised to find how much I preferred this state of affairs to coitus with my wife, and determined to enjoy the occasion to the full. We passed a fortnight together in the above fashion, and, though I afterward went back and did my duty by my wife, I never took the same pleasure in her again, and when she died, five years later, I felt no inclination to contract another marriage, but devoted myself heart and soul to my old school-friend, with whom I continued tender relations until his death by accident last year. Since then I have lost all interest in life."