NINTH PROMENADE of seeing the child again; but I have seen neither him nor his father, and there has remained of this meeting nothing but a lively remembrance, mixed with sweetness and sadness, like all the emotions which yet penetrate sometimes to my heart.
There is compensation for everything: if my pleasures are rare and brief, I taste them more acutely when they come, than if they were more familiar; I chew them over, so to speak, by frequent remembrance; and, however rare they may be, if they were pure and with- out mixture, I should be more happy perhaps than in any prosperity. In extreme misery one finds oneself rich with a little; a beggar who finds a crown is more de- lighted than a rich man finding a purse of gold. You would laugh if you could see in my soul the impression made by the slighte&t pleasures of this species, which T have been able to snatch from the vigilance of my persecutors: one of the sweetest presented itself four or five years ago, and I never recall it without feeling myself ravished with delight at having so well profited by it.
One Sunday we had gone, my wife and I, to dine at the Porte Maillot: after dinner we traversed the Bois de Boulogne, up to the Muette; there we sat down on the grass, in the shade, while waiting for the sun to set, in order to return again slowly through Passy. A score of young girls, conducted by a sort of nun, came, some to sit down, the others to play near us. During their play, there came by a wafer-seller, with his drum 18 REVERIES OF A SOLITARY and his wheel, looking for trade; I saw that the little girls desired wafers very much, and two or three of them who apparently possessed some pennies asked permission to gamble. While the governess hestitated and disputed, I called the wafer-maker and said: Let these young ladies draw out each in turn, and I will pay for all, The word spread throughout the troop a joy which alone would have paid for the expenditure of the whole of my purse, if I had employed it entirely for that, As I saw that they pressed forward in some confusion, with the consent of the governess I arranged them all on one side, and then passed them to the other side, one after the other, as each had drawn. In order that there should be no white ticket, and that there should come at least one wafer to each of thosewho won nothing, so that none of them would be absolutely discontented, and to make the party gayer I told the wafer-seller to use his ordinary skill in the contrary sense, by making as many good numbers fall as he could, and that I would account to him. By means of this arrangement there were about a hundred wafers -ditributed, although the young girls only drew once each; because on this point I was inexorable, not wishing either to favour abuses or to make preferences, which might produce discontent. My wife hinted to those who had lucky numbers to share with their comrades, by means of which the division of spoil was almost equal, and joy was general.
NINTH PROMENADE NINTH PROMENADE I begged the nun to draw in her turn, fearing Strongly that she would disdainfully reje& my offer; she accepted with a good grace, drew like her pension- naires, and took forthright what came to her. I was infinitely thankful to her for it, and in this I found a sort of politeness which Strongly pleased me, and which was well worth, I believe, that of grimacing affectations. During all this performance, there were disputes which were brought before my tribunal; and these small girls, coming to plead their cause one after the other, gave me occasion to remark, that although there was not one pretty among them, the charm of some made their ugliness forgotten.
We all parted finally well content with each other, and that afternoon was one of those of my life which memory recalls to me with most satisfaction. The feast, for the rest, was not ruinous; for thirty pence that it cost me at the most, I obtained more than a hundred crowns of contentment; so true is it that pleasure is not measured by expense, and that joy is more the friend of pennies than of pounds. I have returned many a time to the same place, at the same time, hoping to find the little troop again; but that has not happened to me.
This recalls to me another amusement of almost the same sort, the remembrance of which comes to me from much farther off. It was in the unhappy time, when misled by the rich and by men of letters I was sometimes reduced to share their dismal pleasures.
REVERIES OF A SOLITARY I was at La Chevrette at the time of the birthday feast of the master of the house: all his family were united to celebrate it, and all the glitter of noisy pleasure was employed to produce this effect. Theatrical spectacles, feasts, fireworks, nothing was spared. ‘There was not the time to draw breath, and one was Stunned rather than amused. After dinner we went to take the air in the avenue, where a sort of fair was held. A dance started; the gentlemen condescended to dance with the peasant girls, but the ladies kept their dignity. Gingerbread was sold there. A young man of the company decided to buy some in order to throw them one after the other in the midét of the crowd; and every- one took so much pleasure in seeing all these clod- hoppers precipitate themselves, beat each other, throw each other down in order to have the gingerbread, that each wished to give himself the same pleasure. And gingerbreads began flying from right to left, and girls and boys to run, to fall over each other and to Jame each other. This appeared charming to every- body. I did as the others, out of base shame, but inwardly I was not amused so much as they. But, soon weary of emptying my purse to make people crush each other, I left the good company and went to walk alone in the fair. The variety of the objects there amused me for along time. I perceived among others five or six boys from Savoy, around a small girl who had Sill on her tray a dozen meagre apples, which she was anxious to get rid of; the Savoyards, on their NINTH PROMENADE side, would have gladly freed her of them; but they had only two or three pence among them all, and that was not much to make a great breach amid the apples. This tray was for them the garden of the Hesperides; and the young girl was the dragon who guarded it. This comedy amused me for 2 long time; I finally created a climax by paying for the apples from the young girl and distributing them among the small boys. I had then one of the finest spectacles that can flatter a man’s heart, that of seeing joy united with the innocence of youth, spreading everywhere about me. For the speétators themselves, in seeing it, partook of it, and I, who shared at such cheap expense this happiness, had in addition the joy of feeling that it was my work, In comparing this amusement with that which I had just quitted, I felt with satisfaction the difference which there is between healthy tastes and natural feelings and those which opulence creates, and which are scarcely more than pleasures of mockery and ex- clusive tastes engendered by scorn. For, what sort of pleasure could one take in seeing troops of men made vile by misery, fall over each other, stifle them- selves, brutally cripple themselves in order to snatch hastily some morsels of gingerbread trampled by feet and covered with mud?
On my part, when I have well reflected on the sort of pleasure which I tasted on these sorts of occasions, I have found that it consisted less in 2 feeling of well- REVERIES OF A SOLITARY doing than in the pleasure of seeing happy faces. This sight for me has a charm which, though it pene- trates to my heart, seems to be uniquely that of sensa- tion. If I do not see the satisfaétion I cause, even when I am sure of it, I only half rejoice. It is even for me a disinterested pleasure, which does not depend on the part which I may have in it; for, in the feasts of the people, that of seeing gay faces has always vividly attracted me. This attempt has, how- ever, often been frustrated in France, where this nation, which pretends to be so gay, shows very little of this gaicty in its looks. Often I went to popular fairs, in order to see the common people dancing; but their dances were so discontented, their mien so sorrow- ful, so awkward, that I emerged more saddened than rejoiced. But at Geneva and in Switzerland, where laughter does not evaporate incessantly into stupid malignities, all breathes contentment and gaiety at feasts. Misery does not wear its hideous aspeét; extravagance does not show its insolence; well-being, brotherhood, concord dispose hearts to expand; and often in the transports of an innocent joy unknown people accost each other, embrace each other and invite each other to enjoy the pleasures of the day together. To enjoy these amiable festivals myself, I have no need to take part in them. It suffices me to see them; in seeing, I partake of them, and among so many gay faces I am sure that there is no heart more gay than mine, NINTH PROMENADE NINTH PROMENADE Although this is only a pleasure of sensations, it certainly has a moral cause; and the proof is, that this same aspect, instead of flattering me, of pleasing me, can tear me to pieces with sorrow and indignation, when I know that these signs of pleasure and of joy on the faces of evilly-disposed people are nothing but the signs that their malignity is satisfied. Innocent jey is the only one whose signs flatter my heart. Those of cruel and mocking joy break it and affi& it, even though it has nothing to do with me. These signs without a doubt cannot be exaétly the same, since they arise from principles so different; but after all, they are equally signs of joy, and their sensible differences are not assuredly proportionate to those of the movements which they excite in me.
Those of sorrow and of grief are Still more painful to me, to the point that it is impossible to endure them without being agitated myself with emotions perhaps more acute than those they represent. Imagination, reinforcing sensation, identifies me with the suffering being and often gives me more agony than he feels himself. A discontented face is also a spectacle which it is impossible for me to endure, above all if I have reason to think that this discontent refers to me. I could not say how much the sullen and discontented air of servants who wait upon me reluétantly has snatched from me crowns in the houses where I formerly was Stupid enough to let myself be drawn, and where the servants always made me pay dearly for the REVERIES OF A SOLITARY hospitality of the masters. Always too much moved by sensible objeéts, and above all by those which bore signs of pleasure or of blame, of benevolence or of aversion, I allowed myself to be led on by these external impressions, without being able ever to escape otherwise than by flight. A sign, a gesture, a glance of the eye, of an unknown man, sufficed to trouble my pleasures or calm my pains. 1am notin full possession of myself except when I am alone; outside of this, I am the plaything of all those who surround me.
I lived once with pleasure in the world, when in all eyes I saw nothing but benevolence, or, at the worst, indifference in those to whom I was unknown; but, to-day when they take no less trouble to show my face to the people than to mask my natural character, I cannot put a foot into the road without seeing myself surrounded by disturbing objets. I hasten to gain, with long Strides, the country; as soon as I see a little green, I begin to breathe. Should you be astonished that I love solitude? I see nothing but animosity in the visages of men, and nature ever smiles at me.
I feel however, ill, it mut be admitted, some pleasure in living in the mid& of men so long as my face is unknown to them. But this is a pleasure that men leave merarely. Some years ago I still liked to traverse the villages and to see, in the morning, labourers mending their flails, or women at their gates with their children. This sight had something in it that NINTH PROMENADE NINTH PROMENADE touched my heart. I Stopped sometimes, without meaning it, to look at the little households of these good people, and I found myself sighing without knowing wherefore. I did not know if anyone saw me delighting in this small pleasure or if they wish to deprive me of it; but at the change which I perceive upon their physiognomies as I pass, and at the air with which I am regarded, I am forced to notice that they have taken great care to remove this incognito for me. The same thing has happened to me in a more marked fashion at the Invalides. This fine establishment has always interested me. I never see without tenderness and veneration these groups of good old men who can say, like those of Sparta, We have once been Young, valiant and hardy.
One of my favorite promenades was about the Military School, and I encountered with pleasure here and there certain pensioners who, having retained the ancient military politeness, saluted mein passing. This salutation, which my heart gave back to thema hundred- fold, flattered me and increased the pleasure I had in seeing them. As I did not know how to conceal any- thing that touched me, I often spoke of the pensioners and of the way in which the sight of them moved me. It was a mistake. At the end of some time, I perceived that I was not unknown to them, or rather that I was unfavourably so, because they looked on me REVERIES OF A SOLITARY with the same eyes as the public did. No more polite- ness, no more salutations. A disdainful air, a fierce look succeeded to their first politeness, The ancient frankness of their trade not allowing them, like others, to cover their animosity with a sneering and traitorous mask, they openly showed me the most violent hatred; and such is the excess of my misery that I am forced to distinguish in my esteem those who disguise the least their fury.
Since then, I walk with less pleasure in the direétion of the Invalides; however, as my sentiments for them do not depend on theirs for me, I never see without respeé&t and interest these ancient defenders of their country; but it is very hard to see myself so badly repaid on their part for the justice which I render to them. When, by chance, I encounter someone who has escaped the common order, or who, not knowing my face, does not show me any aversion, his honest salutation recompenses me for the rude appearance of others. I forget them in order to occupy myself only with him, and I imagine that there is one of those souls like mine, into which hatred cannot penetrate. I still had that pleasure, last year, when I crossed the water to walk on the Island of Swans. A poor old pensioner, in a boat, was waiting for a companion to cross. I presented myself, and ordered the boatman to Start. The water was swift and the crossing long. I scarcely dared ask the pensioner a question, for fear of being insulted and rebuffed as NINTH PROMENADE NINTH PROMENADE usual; but his polite air reassured me. We talked together. He appeared to me a man of sense and of morals. I was surprised and charmed with his open and affable tone. I was not accustomed to so much favour. My surprise ceased when I learnt that he had newly arrived from the province. I understood that they had not yet pointed out my face to him and given him hisinstructions. _I profited by this incognito to talk some moments with a man, and from my enjoyment I perceived how much the rarity of the most common pleasures is able to augment their value. On leaving the boat, he got ready his two poor pennies, I paid his passage, and begged him to keep his money, while trembling with fear of annoying him. This did not happen; on the contrary, he appeared sensible of my attention, and above all of the faét that, as he was an older man, I had assisted him to leave the boat. ‘Who would believe that I was so much a child as to weep freely? I was consumed with the wish to put a coin of twenty-four sous in his hand to buy tobacco; I did not dare do it, The same shame which held me back then has often prevented me from doing good ations, which would have filled me with joy, and from which I have abstained while deploring my imbecility. This time, after having quitted my old pensioner, I soon consoled myself by thinking that I should have acted against my own principles by mixing with true things a piece of silver which degrades their nobility and soils their disinterestedness. We should REVERIES OF A SOLITARY hasten to aid those who need it; but, in the ordinary commerce of life, let natural benevolence and urbanity carry out their work, without anything venial or mercantile daring to approach such 2 pure source to corrupt or spoil it, They say that in Holland people demand payment for telling you the hour and for showing you the road; they must be a very des- picable people who thus sell the simplest rights of humanity, I have noticed that it is only in Europe that hospitality is sold. In the whole of Asia you are lodged free of charge. I understand that there are not so many luxuries; but is it nothing to say: I am a man and have been received among men; is it pure humanity which gives me shelter? Small privations are endured without trouble, when the heart is better treated than the body.
TENTH PROMENADE O-DAY, Palm Sunday, it is precisely fifty years since my first acquaintance with Madame de Warens. She was twenty-eight then, being born with the century. I was not seventeen, and my awakening temperament, which I still did not under- Stand, gave a new warmth to a heart naturally full of life. Since it was not astonishing that she should conceive benevolence for a lively young man, who was gentle and modest, with an agreeable face, it was less aStonishing that a charming woman, full of spirit and grace, should inspire me with gratitude, and with more tender sentiments which I did not then distinguish.
But, what is less usual is that this first moment decided me for all my life, and produced, by an inevitable interlinking, my destiny for the rest of my days. My soul, the moét precious faculties of which my organs had not developed, had no deter- mined form, It waited in a sort of impatience for the moment which should give it one, and this moment, accelerated by this encounter, did not come so soon; and in the simplicity of morals which education had given me, I saw prolonged in me for a long time this REVERIES OF A SOLITARY delicious but rapid State in which love and innocence inhabit the same heart. She had sent me away. Everything recalled me to her; I had to return.
This return determined my fate, and long before possessing her, I only lived in her and for her. Ah! if I had sufficed her heart as she sufficed mine, what peaceful and delicious days we should have passed together! We did pass such days; but they were short and swift, and what a destiny has followed them! There is not a day when J do not remember with joy and tenderness this unique and brief time of my life, when I was fully myself, without mixture and without obstacle, and when I can truly say I lived, I might say, a little like that pretorian prefeét, who, disgraced under Vespasian, went to finish peace- ably his days in the country: “I have spent seventy years upon earth, and I have lived seven.” But for this short but precious space I should have remained perhaps uncertain of myself; because all the rest of my life, easily and without resistance, I have been so agitated, shaken, almost passive, that in so stormy 2 life I should have difficulty in distinguishing what is mine in my own conduét, so much has hard necessity continued to weigh upon me. But during this short number of years, loved by a woman full of complais- ance and sweetness, I did what I wished to do, I was that which I wished to be, and by the use which I made of my leisure, aided by her lessons and her example, 1 TENTH PROMENADE TENTH PROMENADE was able to give my soul, Still simple and new, the form which belonged to it despite everything, and which it has kept for ever.
The taste for solitude and contemplation was born in my heart with the expansive and tender sentiments made to be its food. Tumult and noise restri€ted and Stifled them; calm and peace reanimated and exalted them.
I need to concentrate myself in order to love. I persuaded Mamma to live in the country. An isolated house on the slope of a valley was our refuge; and it was there that, for the space of four or five years, I enjoyed a century of life and of pure and full happiness, which covers with its charm all that my lot presents of frightful fa&. I needed a miétress according to my heart; I possessed her. I wanted the country; I obtained it. I could not endure subjeétion; I was perfectly free, and more than free, because, subjected by my attachment alone, I only did what I wished to do, All my time was filled with affeftionate cares or with country occupations. I did not desire any- thing but the continuation of a State so sweet; my one grief was the fear that it would not last for long, and this fear, born of the worry of our situation, was not without foundation.
From thenceforward I tried to pi€ture myself both diversions from this disquiet, and resources to atone for its ill results, I thought that a Store of talents was the surest resource against indigence, and I REVERIES OF A SOLITARY resolved to employ my leisure in putting myself, if it were possible, in a position to return one day to the be&t of women the assistance which I had received from her...{No more was written; Rousseau died a few weeks later.]