busy Humour should be constantly employed in something of Use to them; which, if you will attain, you must make what you would have them do a Recreation to them, and not a Business, The Way to do this, so that they may not perceive you have any Hand in it, is this proposed 5 here; viz. Tb make them weary of that which you would not have them do, by enjoining and making them under some Pretence or other do it, till they are surfeited. For Example: Does your Son play at Top and Scourge too much? Enjoin him to play so many Hours every Day, 10 and look that he do it; and you shall see he will quickly be sick of it, and willing to leave it. By this Means making the Recreations you dislike a Business to him, he will of him- self with Delight betake himself to those Things you would have him do, especially if they be proposed as Rewards 15 for having performed his Task in that Play which is com- manded him. For if he be ordered every Day to whip his Top so long as to make him sufficiently weary, do you not think he will' apply himself with Eagerness to his Book, and wish for it, if you promise it him as a Reward of 20 having whipped his Top lustily, quite out all the Time that is set him? Children, in the Things they do, if they comport with their Age, find little Difference so they may be doing: The Esteem they have for one Thing above another they borrow from others; so that what those about 25 them make to be a Reward to them, will really be so.
By this Art it is in their Governor's Choice, whether Scotch- hoppers shall reward their Dancings or Dancing their Scotch- hoppers; whether Peg-Top, or Reading; playing at Trap, or studying the Globes, shall be more acceptable and 30 pleasing to them; all that they desire being to be busy, and busy, as they imagine, in Things of their own Choice, and which they receive as Favours from their Parents or others for whom they have Respect and with whom they would be in Credit. A Set of Children thus ordered and 35 kept from the ill Example of others, would all of them, I suppose, with as much Earnestness and Delight, learn to read, write, and what else one would have them, as others do their ordinary Plays: And the eldest being thus entered, and this made the Fashion of the Place, 40 it would be as impossible to hinder them from learning the one, as it is ordinarily to keep them from the other.
§ 130. Play-things, I think, Children should have, and of divers sorts; but still to be in the Custody 5 ^^^ "'*"• of their Tutors or some body else, whereof the Child should have in his Power but one at once, and should not be suffered to have another but when he re- stored that. This teaches them betimes to be careful of not losing or spoiling the Things they have; whereas Plenty 10 and Variety in their own keeping, makes them wanton and careless, and teaches them from the Beginning to be Squan- derers and Wasters. These, I confess, are little Things, and such as will seem beneath the Care of a Governor; but nothing that may form Children's Minds is to be overlooked 15 and neglected, and whatsoever introduces Habits, and settles Customs in them, deserves the Care and Attention of their Governors, and is not a small Thing in its Consequences.
One Thing more about Children's Play-things may be worth their Parents' Care. Though it be agreed they should 20 have of several Sorts, yet, I think, they should have none bought for them. This will hinder that great Variety they are often overcharged with, which serves only to teach the Mind to wander after Change and Superfluity, to be unquiet, and perpetually stretching itself after something 25 more still, though it knows not what, and never to be satisfied with what it hath. The Court that is made to People of Condition in such kind of Presents to their Children, does the little ones great harm. By it they are taught Pride, Vanity and Covetousness, almost before they 30 can speak: And I have known a young Child so distracted with the Number and Variety of his Play-games, that he tired his Maid every Day to look them over; and was so accustomed to Abundance, that he never thought he had enough, but was always asking, What more? What more?
35 What new Thing shall I have? A good Introduction to moderate Desires, and the ready Way to make a contented happy Man I " How then shall they have the Play-games you allow them, if none must be bought for them?" I answer. They 40 should make them themselves, or at least endeavour it, and set themselves about it; till then they should have none, and $§ 130, 131] Educational Use of Games. 113 till then they will want none of any great Artifice. A smooth Pebble, a Piece of Paper, the Mother's Bunch of Keys, or any Thing they cannot hurt themselves with, serves as much to divert little Children as those more chargeable and curious Toys frppi the Shops, which are presentiy put out of 5 order and broken. Children are never dull, or out of Humour, for want of such Play-things, unless they have been used to them; when they are little, whatever occurs serves the Turn; and as they grow bigger, if they are not stored by the expensive Folly of others, they will make them themselves. 10 Indeed, when they once begin to set themselves to work about any of their Inventions, they should be taught and assisted; but should have nothing whilst they lazily sit still, expecting to be furnished from other hands, without employ- ing their own. And if you help them where they are at a 15 Stand, it will more endear you to them than any chargeable Toys you shall buy for them. Play-things which are above their Skill to make, as Tops, Gigs, Battledores, and the like, which are to be used with Labour, should indeed be procured them. These *tis convenient they should have, not for 20 Variety but Exercise; but these too should be given them as bare as might be. If they had a Top, the Scourge-stick and Leather-strap should be left to their own making and fitting. If they sit gaping to have such Things drop into their Mouths, they should go without them. This will 25 accustom them to seek for what they want, in themselves and in their own Endeavours; whereby they will be taught Moderation in their Desires, Application, Industry, Thought, Contrivance, and good Husbandry; Qualities tiiat will be useful to them when they are Men, and therefore cannot be 30 learned too soon, nor fixed too deep. All the Plays and Diversions of Children should be directed towards good and useful Habits, or else they will introduce ill ones. Whatever they do, leaves some Impression on that tender Age, and firom thence they receive a Tendency to Good or Evil: And 35 whatever hath such an Influence, ought not to be neg- lected.
§ 131. Lying is so ready and cheap a Cover for any Miscarriage, and so much in Fashion among all.
Sorts of People, that a Child can hardly avoid ^^*^' 40 observing the use is made of it on all Occasions^ and so can scarce be kept without great Care from getting into it. But it is so ill a Quality, and the Mother of so many ill ones that spawn from it, and take shelter under it, that a Child should be brought up in the greatest Abhorrence of it 5 imaginable. It should be always (when occasionally it comes to be mentioned) spoke of before him with the utmost Detestation, as a Quality so wholly inconsistent with the Name and Character of a Gentleman, that no body of any Credit can bear the Imputation of a Lie; a Mark that is lojudg'd the utmost Disgrace, which debases a Man to the lowest Degree of a shameful Meanness, and ranks him with the most contemptible Part of Mankind and the abhorred Rascality; and is not to be endured in any one who would converse with People of Condition, or have any Esteem 01 15 Reputation in the World. The first Time he is found in a ZUf it should rather be wondered at as a monstrous Thing in him, than reproved as an ordinary Fault. If that keeps him not from relapsing, the next Time he must be sharply rebuked, and fall into the State of great Dis- 20 pleasure of his Father and Mother and all about him who take Notice of it And if this Way work not the Cure, you must come to Blows; for after he has been thus warned, a premeditated Zi^ must always be looked upon as Obstinacy, and never be permitted to escape un- 25 punished.
§ 132. Children, afraid to have their Faults seen in Sxcusft ^^^^ naked Colours, will, like the rest of the ""' ' Sons of Adam, be apt to make Excuses. This is a Fault usually bordering upon, and leading to Untruth, 30 and is not to be indulged in them; but yet it ought to be cured rather with Shame than Roughness. If therefore, when a Child is questioned for any Thing, his first Answer be an Excuse^ warn him soberly to tell the Truth; and then if he persists to shuffle it off with a Falsehood^ he must 35 be chastised; but if he directly confess, you must commend his Ingenuity, and pardon the Fault, be it what it will; and pardon it so, that you never so much as reproach him with it, or mention it to him again: For if you would have him in love with Ingenuity, and by a constant Practice make it 40 habitual to him, you must take care that it never procure him the least Inconvenience; but on the contrary, his own g§ 132 — 135] Seem to trust. The four Requisites. 115 Confession bringing always with it perfect Impunity, should be besides encouraged by some Marks of Approbation. If his Mmcuse be such at any time that you cannot prove it to have any Falshood in it, let it pass for true, and be sure not to shew any Suspicion of it. Let him keep up his Reputa- 5 tion with you as high as is possible; for when once he finds he has lost that, you have lost a great, and your best Hold upon him. Therefore let him not think he has the Character of a Liar with you, as long as you can avoid it without flattering him in it. Thus some Slips in Truth may be over-looked. 10 But after he has once been corrected for a LU^ you must be sure never after to pardon it in him, whenever you find and take notice to him that he is guilty of it: For it being a Fault which he has been forbid, and may, unless he be wilful, avoid, the repeating of it is perfect Perverseness, 15 and must have the Chastisement due to that Offence.
§ 133. This is what I have thought concerning the general Method of educating a young Gentleman; which, though I am apt to suppose may have some Influence on the whole Course of his Education, yet I am far from 20 imagining it contains all those Particulars which his growing Years or peculiar Temper may require. But this being premised in general, we shall in the next Place, descend to $1 more particular Consideration of the several Parts of his Education. 25 § 134. That which every Gentleman (that takes any care of his Education) desires for his Son, besides the Estate he leaves him, is contained (I suppose) in these four Things, Virtue^ Wisdom^ Breedings and Learning, I will not trouble my self whether these Names do not some of 30 them sometimes stand for the same Thing, or really include one another. It serves my Turn here to follow the popular Use of these Words, which, I presume, is clear enough to make me be understood, and I hope there will be no Diffi- i culty to comprehend my Meaning. 35 § 135. I place Virtue as the first and most necessary of \ those Endowments that belong to a Man or a Gentleman; as absolutely requisite to make him valued and beloved by others, acceptable or tolerable to himself Without that, I think, he will be happy neither in this nor the other 40 World.
ii6 Virtue. First Teaching about God. [§§136,137 § 136. As the Foundation of this, there ought very early to be imprinted on his Mind a true Notion of God^ as of the independent Supreme Being, Author and Maker of all Things, from whom we receive ^ 5 our Good, who loves us, and gives us all things. And con- sequent to this, instil into him a Love and Reverence of this Supreme Being. This is enough to begin with, without going to explain this Matter any farther; for fear lest by talking too early to him of Spirits, and being unseasonably forward 10 to make him understand the incomprehensible Nature of that infinite Being, his Head be either filFd with false, or perplexed with unintelligible Notions of HinL Let him only be told upon Occasion, that God made and governs all things, hears and sees every thing, and does all manner of 15 Good to those that love and obey Him; you will find, that being told of such a God^ other Thoughts will be apt to rise up fast enough in his Mind about Him; which, as you ob- serve them to have any Mistakes, you must set right And I think it would be better if Men generally rested in such an 20 Idea of God^ without being too curious in their Notions about a Being which all must acknowledge incomprehen- sible; whereby many, who have not Strength and Clearness of Thought to distinguish between what they can, and what they cannot know, run themselves in Superstition or Atheism, 25 making God like themselves, or (because they cannot com- prehend any thing else) none at all. And I am apt to think, the keeping Children constantly Morning and Evening to Acts of Devotion to God, as to their Maker, Preserver and Benefactor, in some plain and short Form of Prayer, suitable 30 to their Age and Capacity, will be of much more Use to them in Religion, Knowledge, and Virtue, than to distract their Thoughts with curious Enquiries into His inscrutable Essence and Being.
§ 137. Having by gentle Degrees, as you find him 35 SMriu ^^P^^^^ ^^ ^^> settled such an Idea of God in ^^ ' his Mind, and taught him to pray to Him, and praise Him as the Author of his Being, and of all the Good he does or can enjoy; forbear any Discourse of other SptritSy till the mention of them coming in his way, upon 40 occasion hereafter to be set down, and his reading the Scripture-History, put him upon that Enquiry.
§ 138] Bogey makes Cowards. An Anecdote. 117 § 138. But even then, and always whilst he is youngs be sure to preserve his tender Mind from all ^^Ww Impressions and Notions of Spirits and Goblins^ or any fearful Apprehensions in the Dark. This he will be in danger of from the Indiscretion of Servants, whose usual 5 Method is to awe Children, and keep them in subjection, by telling them of Raw-head and Bloody-bones^ and such other Names as carry 'with them the Ideas of something terrible and hurtful, which they have Reason to be afraid of when alone, especially in the Dark. This must be care- lo fully prevented: For though by this foolish way, they may keep them from little Faults, yet the Remedy is much worse than the Disease; and there are stamped upon their Imagi- nations Ideas that follow them with Terror and Affright- ment. Such Bug-bear Thoughts once got into the tender 15 Minds of Children, and being set on with a strong Impres- sion from the Dread that accompanies such Apprehensions, sink deep, and fasten themselves so as not easily, if ever, to be got out again; and whilst they are there, frequently haunt them with strange Visions, making Children Dastards 20 when alone, and afraid of their Shadows and Darkness all their Lives after. I have had those complain to me, when Men, who had been thus used when young; that though their Reason corrected the wrong Ideas they had taken in, and they were satisfied that there was no Cause to fear 25 invisible Beings more in the Dark than in the Light, yet that these Notions were apt still upon any Occasion to start up first in their prepossessed Fancies, and not to be removed without some Pains. And to let you see how lasting and frightful Images are, that take place in the Mind early, I 30 shall here tell you a pretty remarkable but true Story. There was in a Town in the West a Man of a disturbed Brain, whom the Boys used to teaze when he came in their way: This Fellow one Day seeing in the Street one of those Lads, that used to vex him, stepped into a Cutlet's 35 Shop he was near, and there seizing on a naked Sword, made afler the Boy; who seeing him coming so armed, betook himself to his Feet, and ran for his Life, and by good Luck had Strength and Heels enough to reach his Father's House before the Mad-man could get up to him. 40 The Door was only latch*d: and when he had the Latch in ii8 Trust in God. Truth. Good-nature. [§§138,139 his Hand, he tum'd about his Head, to see how near his Pursuer was, who was at the Entrance of the Porch, with his Sword up ready to strike; and he had just Time to get in, and clap to the Door to avoid the Blow, which, though 5 his Body escaped, his Mind did not. This frightening Idea made so deep an Impression there, that it lasted many Years, if not all his Life after. For, telling this Story when he was a Man, he said. That after that time till then, he never went in at that Door (that he could remember) at any 10 time without looking back, whatever Business he had in his Head, or how little soever before he came thither he thought of this Mad-man.
If Children were let alone, they would be no more afraid in the Dark, than in broad Sun-shine: They would 15 in their turns as much welcome the one for Sleep as the other to play in. There should be no Distinction made to them by any Discourse of more Danger or terrible Tkmgs in the one than the other: But if the Folly of any one about them should do them this Harm, and make them 20 think there is any Difference between being in the dark and winking, you must get it out of their Minds as soon as you can; and let them know, that God, who made all things good for them, made the Night that they might sleep the better and the quieter; and that they being under his 25 Protection, there is nothing in the dark to hurt them. What is to be known more of God and good Spirits, is to be deferred till the time we shall 'hereafter mention; and of evil Spirits, 'twill be well if you can keep him from wrong Fancies about them till he is ripe for that sort of Know- 30 ledge.
§ 139. Having laid the Foundations of Virtue in a true Tntik. Notion of a God, such as the Creed wisely teaches, as far as his Age is capable, and by accustoming him to pray to Him; the next thing to be 35 taken care of, is to keep him exactly to speaking of 7H</A, be good-natur'd. Let him know that twenty Faults are sooner to be forgiven than the straining of Truth, to cover any one by an Excuse, And to teach him 40 betimes to love and be good-natured to others, is to lay early the true Foundation of an honest Man; all Injustice generally springing from too great Love of our selves and too little of others.
This is all I shall say of this Matter in general, and is enough for laying the first Foundations of Virtue in a Child: As he grows up, the Tendency of his natural Incli- 5 nation must be observed; which, as it inclines him more than is convenient on one or t'other side from the right Path of Virtue,* ought to have proper Remedies applied. For few of AdanCz Children are so happy, as not to be bom with some Byass in their natural Temper, which it is 10 the Business of Education either to take off, or counter- balance. But to enter into Particulars of this, would be beyond the Design of this short Treatise of Education. I intend not a Discourse of all the Virtues and Vices, how each Virtue is to be attained, and every particular Vice by 15 its peculiar Remedies cured: Though I have mentioned some of the most ordinary Faults, and the Ways to be used in (Jorrecting them.
§ 140. Wisdom I take in the popular Acceptation, for a Man's managing his Business ably and with ' jfri^oam. 20 foresight in this World. This is the Product of a good natural Temper, Application of Mind, and Experi- ence together, and so above the reach of Children. The greatest thing that in them can be done towards it, is to hinder them, as much as may be, from being cunning; 25 which, being the Ape of Wisdom, is the most distant from it that can be: And as an Ape for the Likeness it has to a Man, wanting what really should make him so, is by so much the uglier; Cunning is only the want of Understand- ing, which because it cannot compass its Ends by direct 30 Ways, would do it by a Trick and Circumvention; and the Mischief of it is, a cunning Trick helps but once, but hinders ever after. No Cover was ever made either so big or so fine as to hide it self: No body was ever so cunning as to conceal their being so: And when they are once dis- 35 covered, every Body is shy, every Body distrustful of crafty Men; and all the World forwardly join to oppose and defeat them; whilst the open, fair, wise Man has every body to make way for him, and goes directly to his Busi- ness. To accustom a Child to have true Notions of things, 40 and not to be satisfied till he has them; to raise his Mind to great and worthy Thoughts, and to keep him at a Dis- tance from Falshood and Cunning, which has always a broad Mixture of Falshood in it; is the fittest Preparation of a Child for Wisdom. The rest, which is to be leam'd 5 from Time, Experience, and Observation, and an Acquaint- ance with Men, their Tempers and Designs, is not to be expected in the Ignorance and Inadvertency of Childhood, or the inconsiderate Heat and Unwariness of Youth: AH that can be done towards it, during this unripe Age, is, as I zo have said, to accustom them to Truth and Sincerity; to a submission to Reason; and as much as may be, to Reflec- tion on their own Actions.
§ 141. The next good Quality belonging to a Gentle- man, is good Breeding, There are two sorts 15 ^'*«*'v- oi ill Breeding: The one a sheepish Bashfidruss, and the other a mis-becoming Negligence and Disrespect in our Carriage; both which are avoided by duly observing this one Rule, Not to think meanly of ourselves ^ and not to think meanly of others, 20 § 142. The first part of this Rule must not be under- stood in Opposition to Humility, but to Assurance. We ought not to think so well of our selves, as to stand upon our own Value; and assume to our selves a Preference before others, because of any Advantage we may imagine we have 25 over them; but modestly to take what is offered, when it is our due. But yet we ought to think so well of our selves, as to perform those Actions which are incumbent on, and expected of us, without Discomposure or Disorder, in whose Presence soever we are; keeping that Respect and Distance 30 which is due to every one's Rank and Quality. There is often in People, especially Children, a clownish Shame- facedness before Strangers or those above them: They are confounded in ^eir Thoughts, Words, and Looks; and so lose themselves in that Confusion as not to be 35 able to do any thing, or at least not to do it with that Freedom and Gracefulness which pleases, and makes them be acceptable. The only cure for this, as for any other Miscarriage, is by use to introduce the contrary Habit But since we cannot accustom ourselves to converse with 40 Strangers and Persons of Quality without being in their Company, nothing can cure this Part of Ill-breeding but Change and Variety of Company, and that of Persons above us.
§ 143. As the before-mentioned consists in too great a Concern how to behave ourselves towards others; so the other Part of Ill-breeding lies in the Appearance of too 5 little care of pleasing or shewing Respect to those we have to do with. To avoid this these two things are requisite: First, a Disposition of the Mind not to oflfend other?; and Secondly, the. most acceptable and agreeable way of ex- pressing that Disposition. From the one Men are called 10 civil; from the other well-fashioned. The latter of these is that Decency and Gracefulness of Looks, Voice, Words, Motions, Gestures, and of all the whole outward Demeanour, which takes in Company, and makes those with whom we may converse, easy and well pleased This is, as it were, 15 the Language whereby that internal Civility of the Mind is expressed; which, as other Languages are, being very much governed by the Fashion and Custom of every Country, must, in the Rules and Practice of it, be learned chiefly from Observation, and the Carriage of those who are allow'd 20 to be exactly well-bred. The other Part, which lies deeper than the Outside, is that general Good-will and Regard for all People, which makes any one have a care not to shew in his Carriage any Contempt, Disrespect, or Neglect of them; but to express, according to the Fashion and Way of that 25 Country, a Respect and Value for them according to their Rank and Condition, tt is a Disposition of the Mind that shews it self in the Carriage, whereby a Man avoids making any one uneasy in Conversation.
I shall take notice of four Qualities, that are most 30 directly opposite to this first and most taking of all the social Vertues. And from some one of these four it is, that Incivility commonly has its Rise. I shall set them down, that Chil- dren may be preserved or recovered from their ill Influence.
I. The first is, a natural Roughness, which makes a 35 Man uncomplaisant to others, so that he has no Deference for their Inclinations, Tempers, or '^^ **^"' Conditions. Tis the sure Badge of a Clown, not to mind what pleases or displeases those he is with; and yet one may often find a Man in fashionable Clothes give an unbounded 40 swing to his own Humour, and suffer it to justle or over-run any one that stands in its way, with a perfect Indifferency how they take it. This is a Brutality that every one sees and abhors, and no body can be easy with: And therefore this finds no place in any one who would be thought to have the S least Tincture of Good-breeding. For the very End and Business of Good-breeding is to supple the natural Stiffness, and so soften Men's Tempers, that they may bend to a Com- pliance, and accommodate themselves to those they have to do with. 10 2. Contempt^ or want of due Respect, discovered either in Looks, Words, or Gesture: This, from whom- ^ ' soever it comes, brings always Uneasiness with it. For no body can contentedly bear being slighted.
3. Censoriousness^ and finding fault with others, has a 15 direct Opposition to Civility, Men, whatever ^'^S?*^ they are or are not guilty of, would not have their Faults displayed and set in open View and broad Day-light, before their own or other People's Eyes. Blemishes affixed to any one always carry Shame 30 with them: And the Discovery, or even bare Imputation of any Defect is not born without some Uneasiness. Raiiitfy Rf^Hi^iJ is the most refined way of exposing the ** Faults of others: But, because it is usually done with Wit and good Language, and gives Entertainment 35 to the Company, People are led into a Mistake, that where it keeps within fair Bounds there is no Incivility in it. And so the Pleasantry of this sort of Conversation often intro- duces it amongst People of the better Rank; and such Talkers are favourably heard and generally applauded by 30 the Laughter of the By-standers on their side. But they ought to consider, that the Entertainment of the rest of the Company is at the cost of that one who is set out in their burlesque Colours, who therefore is not without Uneasiness, unless the Subject for which he is rallied be really in itself 35 Matter of Commendation. For then the pleasant Images and Representations which make the Raillery carrying Praise as well as Sport with them, the rallied Person also finds his Account, and takes Part in the Diversion. But because the right Management of so nice and ticklish a 40 Business, wherein a little Slip may spoil all, is not every body's Talent, I think those who would secure themselves from provoking others, especially all young People, should carefully abstain from Raillery ^ which by a small' Mistake or any wrong Turn, may leave upon the Mind of those who are made uneasy by it, the lasting Memory of having been piquantly, tho* wittily, taunted for some 'thing censurable in 5 them.
Besides Raillery, Contradiction is a sort of Censorious- ness wherein Ill-breeding often shews it self. Complaisance does not require that we should ^**^^^*^'*^ always admit all the Reasonings or Relations that the 10 Company is entertained with, no, nor silently to let pass all that is vented in our Hearing. The opposing the Opinions, and rectifying the Mistakes of others, is what Truth and Charity sometimes require of us, and Civility does not oppose, if it be done with due Caution and Care of Circum- 15 stances. But there are some People, that one may observe, possessed as it were with the Spirit of Contradiction, that steadily, and without regard to Right or Wrong, oppose some one, or, perhaps, every one of the Company, whatever they say. This is so visible and outrageous a way of 20 Censuring^ that no body can avoid thinking himself injured by it All Opposition to what another Man has said, is so apt to be suspected of Censoriousness^ and is so seldom received without some sort of Humiliation, that it ought to be made in the gentlest manner, and softest Words can be 25 found, and such as with the whole Deportment may express no Forwardness to contradict. All Marks of Respect and good Will ought to accompany it, that whilst we gain the Argument, we may not lose the Esteem of those that hear us. 30 4. Captiousness is another Fault opposite to Civility; not only because it often produces misbecoming ca^tumsntu and provoking Expressions and Carriage; but because it is a tacit Accusation and Reproach of some Incivility taken notice of in those whom we are angry with. 35 Such a Suspicion or Intimation cannot be borne by any one without Uneasiness. Besides, one angry body dis- composes the whole Company, and the Harmony ceases upon any such Jarr;ng.
The Happiness diat all Men so steadily pursue consist- 40 ing in Pleasure, it is easy to see why the CivU are more acceptable than the Useful. The Ability, Sincerity, and good Intention of a Man of Weight and Worth, or a real Friend, seldom atones for the Uneasiness that is produced by his grave and solid Representations. Power and Riches, 5 nay Virtue itself, are valued only as conducing to our Happi- ness. And therefore he recommends himself ill to another as aiming at his Happiness, who, in the Services he does him, makes him uneasy in the Manner of doing them. He that knows how to make those he converses with easy, without 10 debasing himself to low and servile Flattery, has found the true Art of living in the World, and being both welcome and valued every where. Civility therefore is what in the first place should with great care be made habitual to Children and young People.
15 § 144- There is another Fault in good Manners, and that is Excess of Ceremony^ and an obstinate ree tn/r- p^jgisting to force upon another what is not his Due, and what he cannot take without Folly or Shame.
This seems rather a Design to expose than oblige: Or at 20 least looks like a Contest for Mastery, and at best is but troublesome, and so can be no Part of Good-breeding^ which has no other Use or End but to make People easy and satisfied in their Conversation with us. This is a Fault few young People are apt to fall into; but yet if they are 25 ever guilty of it, or are suspected to incline that way, they should be told of it, and warned of this mistaken Civility, The thing they should endeavour and aim at in Conver- sation, should be to shew Respect, Esteem, and Good-will, by paying to every one that common Ceremony and Regard 30 which is in Civility due to them. To do this without a Suspicion of Flattery, Dissimulation, or Meanness, is a great Skill, which good Sense, Reason, and good Company, can only teach; but is of so much Use in civil Life, that it is well worth the studying.
35 § 1 45' Though the managing ourselves well in this Part of our Behaviour has the Name of Good-breedings as if peculiarly the Effect of Education; yet, as I have said, young Children should not be much perplexed about it; I mean, about putting off their Hats, and making Legs 40 modishly. Teach them Humility, and to be good-natur'd, if you can, and this sort of Manners will not be wanting; Civility being in truth nothing but a Care not to shew any plighting or Contempt of any one in Conversation. What are the most allowed and esteem*d Ways of expressing this, we have above observed. It is as peculiar and different, in several Countries of the World, as their Languages; and 5 therefore, if it be rightly considered. Rules and Discourses made to Children about it, are as useless and impertinent, as it would be now and then to give a Rule or two of the Spanish Tongue to one that converses only with Eng- lishnufu Be as busy as you please with Discourses of 10 Civility to your Son, such as is his Company, such will be his Manners. A Plough-man of your Neighbourhood, that has never been out of his Parish, read what Lectures you please to him, will be as soon in his Language as his Carriage a Courtier; that is, in neither will be more polite 15 than those he uses to converse with: And therefore, of this no other Care can be taken till he be of an Age to have a Tutor put to him, who must not fail to be a well- bred Man. And, in good earnest, if I were to speak my Mind freely, so Children do nothing out of Obstinacy, 20 Pride, and Ill-nature, 'tis no great matter how they put oflf their Hats or make Legs. If you can teach them to love and respect other People, they will, as their Age requires it, find Ways to express it acceptably to every one, according to the Fashions they have been used to: 25 And as to their Motions and Carriage of their Bodies,