for Discourses of this Nature, as I deny not but we sometimes justly may, when they are unseasonable; what censure must those Men bear, who are prepetually talking of _Politicks_, _State Affairs_ and _Grievances_ to us, in which perhaps neither they, nor We are much concern’d, or if we be, are not able to propose, much less to apply any Remedy to ’em?
Surely these are impertinent; not to call the _Beau_, or _Poetaster_ on the _Stage_ again, whose whole Lives are one continued scene of Folly and Impertinence; let us make the best of our _News Monger_.
He is one whose Brains having been once over-heated, retain something of the Fire in ’em ever after. He mistakes his Passion for Zeal, and his Noise and Bustling, for Services. He is always full of Doubts, Fears, and Jealousies, and is never without some notable Discovery of a deep laid Design, or a dangerous Plot found out in a _Meal Tub_, or _Petticoat_. He is a mighty Listner after _Prodigies_, and never hears of a _Whale_, or a _Comet_, but he apprehends some sudden _Revolution_ in the State, and looks upon a _Groaning-board_, or a _speaking-head_, as fore-runners of the _Day_ of _Judgment_. He is a great Lover of the King, but a bitter Enemy to all about him, and thinks it impossible for him to have any but _Evil Counsellors_, and though he be very zealous for the Government, yet he never finds any thing in it but _Grievances_ and _Miscarriages_ to declaim upon. He is a Well-wisher to the _Church_, but he is never to be reconcil’d to the _Bishops_ and _Clergy_, and rails most inveterately at the _Act_ of _Uniformity_. He hates _Persecution_ implacably, and contends furiously for _Moderation_, and can scarce think well of the _Toleration_, because it is an Act of the State. He professes himself of the _Church_ of _England_, pretends to like the Worship of it, but he goes to Meetings in spight to the _Parson_ of his _Parish_. His _Conscience_ is very tender and scrupulous in Matters of Ceremony, but it is as steely and tough as Brawn behind his Counter, and can digest any Sin of Gain. He lodges at home, but he lives at the _Coffee-house_. He converses more with _News Papers_, _Gazettes_ and _Votes_, than with his _Shop Books_, and his constant Application to the _Publick_ takes him off all Care for his _Private Concern_. He is always settling the _Nation_, yet cou’d never manage his own _Family_. He is a mighty Stickler at all _Elections_, and tho’ he has no _Vote_, thinks it impossible any thing shou’d go right unless he be there to Bawl for it. His business is at _Home_, but his thoughts are in _Flanders_, and he is earnestly investing of Towns till the _Sheriff’s Officers_ beleaguer his Doors. He is busie in forcing of _Counterscarps_, and storming of _Breaches_, while his _Creditors_ take his _Shop_ by surprize, and make Plunder of his _Goods_. Thus by mending the _State_, He marrs his own _Fortune_; and never leaves talking of the _Laws_ of the _Land_, till the Execution of ’em silence him.
This sort of Impertinents the _Coffee-houses_ are every day full of; nay, so far has this contagious Impertinence spread it self, that _Private Houses_, and _Shops_, nay, the very _Streets_ and _Bulks_ are infected and pester’d with Politicks and News. Not a Pot cou’d go glibly down, or a flitch go merrily forward without _Namur_, a while ago; ’twas _Spice_ to the _Porter’s Ale_, and _Wax_ to the _Cobler’s Thread_; the one suspended his Draught, and the other his Awl to enquire what was become of the _Rogue_, and were very glad to hear he was taken, and expected no doubt he shou’d come over and make ’em a _Holy-day_ at his Execution. They were mightily rejoyc’d at the Arresting of the Mareschal _Boufflers_, and made no question but they shou’d see him amongst the rest of the _Beasts_ at _Bartholomew Fair_ for Two Pence. This Folly of the _Mob_ was in some measure excusable, because their Ignorance led ’em into an expectation of seeing what had given the World so much Trouble.
But those that have better knowledge of things have no such _Plea_, they ought to have been wiser, than to have busied themselves so much and so earnestly about affairs, which all their care and Sollicitude could have no more influence upon, than over the Weather. ’Twas pleasant to see what Shoals the report of the arrival of a _Holland_, or _Flanders Mail_, brought to the _Secretary’s Office_, the _Post Office_, and the _Coffee-Houses_; every one Crowding to catch the News first, which as soon as they had, they posted away like so many Expresses to disperse it among their Neighbours at more distance, that waited with Ears prickt up to receive ’em, or walk’d uneasily with a Foolish Impatience to and from the Door, or Window, as if their looking out so often wou’d fetch ’em the sooner. Most Men in their News are like _Beau_’s in their Diet, the worst is welcome while ’tis fresh and scarce, and the best is not worth a Farthing when it has been blown upon; and commonly they fare like _Beau_’s, are fond of it while ’tis young and insipid, and neglect it when ’tis grown up to its full, and true relish. No sooner is it rumour’d that a Breach is made in the _Castle Wall_, or the _White Flag_ hung out, but a _Council of War_ is call’d in every _Coffee-house_ in Town; the _French_, and _Dutch Prints_, their Intelligencers are call’d for immediately, and examin’d, and not a Shot is mention’d but they start as if the Ball whizz’d just then by their Ears. After this follows a serious debate about a general Assault, and whether they shall storm immediately, or not; who shall begin the Attack; what Conditions shall be granted on Capitulation. The Castle of _Namur_ thus taken, or Surrender’d, they proceed to take their Measures, and settle the next Campaign, and whatever harm we suffer by those mischeivous _French_ in the Field, they are sure to take sufficient Revenge, and pay ’em off Swingingly in the _Coffee-houses_: But as if this were not enough, Our greatest Actions must be Buffoon’d in Show, as well as Talk. Shall _Namur_ be taken and our Hero’s of the City not show their Prowess upon so great an Occasion? [Sidenote: _City Militia._] It must never be said, that the _Coffee-houses_ dar’d more than _Moor-Fields_; No, for the honour of _London_, out comes the Foreman of the _Shop_ very Formidable in _Buff_ and _Bandileers_, and away he marches with Feather in Cap, to the general Rendezvous in the _Artillery Ground_. There these terrible Mimicks of _Mars_ are to spend their Fury in _Noise_ and _Smoke_, upon a _Namur_ erected for that purpose on a _Molehill_, and by the help of _Guns_ and _Drums_ out-stink and out-rattle _Smith-field_ in all its Bravery, and wou’d be too hard for the greatest Man in all _France_, if they had him but amongst ’em. Yet this is but Skirmishing, the hot Service is in another Place, when they engage the _Capons_ and _Quart Pots_; never was Onset more Vigorous, For they come to Handy-Blows immediately, and now is the real cutting and slashing, and Tilting without Quarter, Were the Towns in _Flanders_ all wall’d with _Beef_, and the _French_ as good meat as _Capons_, and drest the same way, the King need never beat his Drums for Soldiers; all these Gallant Fellows wou’d come in Voluntarily, the meanest of which wou’d be able to eat a Mareschal, and whom nothing cou’d oppose in conjunction.
Nothing is more common, and familiar than this sort of Impertinence; Most Men wou’d have little to do, did they busie themselves about nothing, but what they understood, or were concern’d in. A Monkey is not liker a Man in his Figure, than in his humour. How ready are all Mankind to censure without Authority, and to give advice unaskt, and without reason. They are very much mistaken, that think this forwardness to thrust themselves into other’s affairs, springs from any Principle of Charity or Tenderness for ’em, or the least Regard to the Welfare of their Neighbours. ’Tis only a Vain Conceit that they are wiser, and more able to advise, which puts ’em upon engaging in things they have nothing to do with, [Sidenote: _Officious Impertinences._] and passing their Judgments Magisterially on matters they have no Cognizance of, and generally little Information, or Skill in. They are desirous the World shou’d have as great an Opinion of ’em as they have of themselves, and therefore impertinently interpose their own Authority and Sense, tho’ never so little to the purpose, only to shew how well they cou’d manage, were it their Business; thus they advise without good intention, or kindness, and censure without design, or malice to the Persons counsell’d, or reflected on, These buzzing Insects swarm as thick every where, and are as troublesome as _Muskettoes_ in the _West-Indies_. They are perpetually in a hurry of Business, yet are forc’d to rack their Inventions to employ their Leisure. They are very busie for every Body, and serve no Body. They are always in hast, and think themselves expected every where with Impatience, yet come sooner alwayes than they are welcome. They will walk a Mile, and spend an hour to tell any one how urgent their Business is, and what hast they are in to be gone.
Their Expedition is their greatest Loss, For Time is the only thing that lies heavy upon their hands. They are walking _Gazetts_, that carry News from one Neighbour to another, and have their Stages about the Town as regular and certain, as a _Penny Postman_. Every Man is their acquaintance, but no Man their Friend. They drudge for every Body, and are paid by no Body, and tho’ their Lives be worn out in endeavours to oblige all Mankind, when they die no one regrets their Loss, or misses their Service.
There are another sort of Impertinents, [Sidenote: _Character of a Vertuoso._] who, as they mind not the Business of other Men where it concerns ’em not, neglect it likewise where it does; and amuse themselves continually with the Contemplation of those things, which the rest of the World slight as useless, and below their regard. Of these the most Egregious is the _Virtuoso_, who is one that has sold an Estate in Land to purchase one in _Scallop_, _Conch_, _Muscle_, _Cockle stones_; and has abandon’d the Acquaintance and Society of Men for that _Tortoises_. His study is like _Noah_’s Ark, the general Rendezvous of all Creatures in the _Universe_, and the greatest part of his Moveables are the remainders of his Deluge. His Travels are not design’d as Visits to the Inhabitants of any Place, but to the Pits, Shores and Hills; from whence he fetches not the Treasure, but the Trumpery. He is ravish’d at finding an uncommon shell, or an odd shap’d Stone, and is desperately enamour’d at first sight of an unusual markt Butter-flie, which he will hunt a whole day to be Master of. He trafficks to all places, and has his Correspondents in e’ry part of the World; yet his Merchandizes serve not to promote our Luxury, nor encrease our Trade, and neither enrich the Nation, nor himself. A Box or two of _Pebbles_ or _Shells_, and a dozen of _Wasps_, _Spiders_ and _Caterpillars_ are his Cargoe, He values a _Camelion_ or _Salamanders_ Egg, above all the Sugars and Spices of the _West_ and _East-indies_, and wou’d give more for the Shell of a _Star-fish_, or _Sea Urchin_ entire, than for a whole _Dutch_ Herring Fleet. He visites Mines, Colepits, and Quarries frequently, but not for that sordid end that other Men usually do, _viz._ gain; but for the sake of the fossile Shells and Teeth that are sometimes found there. He is a smatterer at _Botany_, but for fear of being suspected of any useful design by it, he employs his curiosity only about _Mosses_, _Grasses_, _Brakes_, _Thistles_, &c. that are not accus’d of any vertue in Medicine, which he distinguishes and divides very nicely. He preserves carefully those _Creatures_, which other Men industriously destroy, and cultivates sedulously those Plants, which others root up as Weeds. He is the Embalmer of deceas’d Vermin, and dresses his Mummyes with as much care, as the Ancient _Egyptians_ did their Kings. His Cash consists much in old Coins, and he thinks the Face of _Alexander_ in one of ’em worth more than all his Conquests. His Inventory is a list of the Insects of all Countries, and the Shells and Pebbles of all Shores, which can no more be compleat without two or three of remarkable _Signatures_, than Country _Barber_’s without a batter’d _Cittern_. A piece of Ore with a Shell in it is a greater Present than if it were fine Gold, and a string of _Wampompeag_ is receiv’d with more joy, than a _Rope_ of _Orient Pearl_, or _Diamonds_ wou’d be. His Collection of _Garden Snails_, _Cockle Shells_ and _Vermine_ compleated, (as he thinks) he sets up for a _Philosopher_, and nothing less than Universal Nature will serve for a Subject, of which he thinks he has an entire History in his _Lumber Office_. Hence forward he _struts_ and _swells_, and despises all those little insignificant Fellows, that can make no better use of those noble incontestable Evidences of the Universal Deluge, _Scallop_ and _Oyster Shells_, than to stew _Oysters_, or melt _Brimstone_ for _Matches_. By this time he thinks it necessary to give the World an _Essay_ of his Parts, that it may think as highly of ’em (if possible) as he does himself; and finding _Moses_ hard beset of late, he resolves to give him a lift, and defend his Flood, to which he is so much oblig’d for sparing his darling Toys only. But as great Masters use, he corrects him sometimes for not speaking to his Mind, and gives him the lie now and then in order to support his Authority. He shakes the World to Atoms with ease, which melts before him as readily as if it were nothing but a Ball of Salt. He pumps even the Center, and drains it of imaginary stores by imaginary Loopholes, as if punching the Globe full of holes cou’d make his _Hypothesis_ hold Water. He is a Man of _Expedition_, and does that in a few days, which cost _Moses_ some Months to compleat. He is a Passionate Admirer of his own Works without a Rival, and superciliously contemns all _Answers_, yet the least _Objection_ throws him into the Vapours. He sets up for a grand _Philosopher_, and palms _Hypotheses_ upon the World, which future Ages may (if they please) expect to hear his Arguments for; at present he is in no humour to give ’em any other satisfaction than his own word, that he is infallible. Yet those that have a Faith complacent enough to take a Gentleman’s word for his own great Abilities, may perhaps be admitted to a sight of his grand Demonstration, his _Raree Show_; the particulars of which he repeats to ’em in a whining _Tone_, e’ry whit as formal and merry, though not so Musical, as the Fellows that used formerly to carry _theirs at their Backs_. His ordinary discourse is of his _Travels under Ground_, in which he has gone farther (if he may be believ’d) than a whole Warren of _Conies_. Here he began his Collection of Furniture for his Philosophical _Toy Shop_, which he will conclude with his Fortune, and then like all Flesh revert to the place from whence he came, and be translated only from one Shop to another.
This, _Madam_, is another sort of Impertience our Sex are not liable to; one wou’d think that none but _Mad Men_, or highly _Hypochondriacal_, cou’d employ themselves at this rate. I appeal to you, or indeed to any Man of Sense, whether acts like the wiser Animal; the man that with great care, and pains distinguishes and divides the many Varieties of Grass, and finds no other Fruit of his labour, than the charging of his Memory with abundance of superfluous Names; or the Ass that eats all promiscuously, and without distinction, to satisfy his _Appetite_ and support _Nature_. To what purpose is it, that these Gentlemen ransack all Parts both of _Earth_ and _Sea_ to procure these _Triffles_? It is only that they may give their Names to some yet unchristen’d Shell or Insect. I know that the desire of knowledge, and the discovery of things yet unknown is the Pretence; But what Knowledge is it? What Discoveries do we owe to their Labours? It is only the Discovery of some few unheeded Varieties of Plants, Shells, or Insects, unheeded only because useless; and the Knowledge, they boast so much of, is no more than a Register of their Names, and Marks of Distinction only. It is enough for them to know that a _Silk Worm_ is a sort of _Caterpiller_, that when it is come to maturity Weaves a _Web_, is metamorphos’d to a _Moth-Flye_, lays Eggs, and so Dies. They leave all further enquiry to the Unlearned and Mechanicks, whose business only they think it to prosecute matters of Gain and Profit. Let him contrive, if he can, to make this _Silk_ serviceable to _Mankind_; their _Speculations_ have another _Scope_, which is the founding some wild, uncertain, conjectural _Hypothesis_, which may be true or false; yet Mankind neither Gainers nor Losers either way a little in point of _Wisdom_ or Convenience. These Men are just the reverse of a _Rattle Snake_, and carry in their _Heads_, what he does in his _Tail_, and move Laughter rather than Regard. What improvements of _Physick_, or any useful Arts, what noble Remedies, what serviceable Instruments have these _Mushrome_, and _Cockle shell_ Hunters oblig’d the World with? For I am ready to recant if they can shew so good a Med’cine as Stew’d _Prunes_, or so necessary an Instrument as a _Flye Flap_ of their own Invention and Discovery. Yet these are the Men of exalted Understandings, the Men of elevated Capacities, and sublime Speculations, that Dignifie and Distinguish themselves from the rest of the World by Specious Names, and Pompous Titles, and continue notwithstanding as very _Reptiles_ in Sense, as those they converse so much with.
I wou’d not have any Body mistake me so far, as to think I wou’d in the least reflect upon any sincere, and intelligent Enquirer into Nature, of which I as heartily with a better knowledge, as any _Vertuoso_ of ’em all. You can be my Witness, _Madam_, that I us’d to say, I thought Mr.
_Boyle_ more honourable for his learned Labours, than for his Noble Birth; and that the _Royal Society_, by their great and celebrated Performances, were an Illustrious Argument of the Wisdom of the _August_ Prince, their Founder of happy _Memory_; and that they highly merited the _Esteem_, _Respect_ and _Honour_ paid ’em by the Lovers of Learning all _Europe_ over. But tho’ I have a very great Veneration for the _Society_ in general, I can’t but put a vast difference between the particular Members that compose it. Were _Supererogation_ a Doctrine in Fashion, ’tis probable some of ’em might borrow of their Fellows merit enough to justifie their Arrogance, but alas they are come an Age too late for that trick; They are fallen into a Faithless, Incredulous Generation of Men that will give credit no farther than the visible Stock will extend: And tho’ a Vertuoso should swell a Title-Page even till it burst with large Promises, and sonorous Titles, the World is so ill natur’d as not to think a whit the better of a Book for it. ’Tis an ill time to trade with implicite Faith, when so many have so lately been broken by an overstock of that _Commodity_; no sooner now a days can a Man write, or steal an Hypothesis, and promise Demonstration for it hereafter in this or the next World; but out comes some malicious Answer or other, with Reasons in hand against it, overthrows the credit of it, and puts the poor Author into Fits. For though a great Philosopher that has written a Book of three Shillings may reasonably insult, and despise a six penny Answer, yet the Indignity of so low pric’d a Refutation wou’d make a _Stoick_ fret, and _Frisk_ like a Cow with a Breeze in her Tail, or a Man bitten by a _Tarantula_. Men measure themselves by their _Vanity_, and are greater or less in their own Opinions, according to the proportion they have of it; if they be well stock’d with it, it may be easie to confute, but impossible to convince ’em. He therefore that wou’d set up for a great Man, ought first to be plentifully provided of it, and then a Score of _Cockle Shells_, a dozen of _Hodmandods_, or any Trifle else is a sufficient Foundation to build a Reputation upon. But if a Man shall abdicate his lawful Calling in pure affection to these things, and has for some years spent all the Time and Money he was Master of in prosecution of this Passion, and shall after all hear his _Caterpillars_ affronted, and his _Butter-flies_ irreverently spoken of, it must be more provoking to him, than ’tis to a _Lion_ to be pull’d by the _Beard_. And if, when to crown all his Labours, he has discover’d a Water so near a kin to the famous one, that cou’d be kept in nothing but the hoof of an Ass, that it was never found but in the _Scull_ of the same _Animal_; a Water that makes no more of melting a _World_, than a _Dutchman_ does of a _Ferkin_ of _Butter_; and when he has written a Book of Discoveries, and Wonders thereupon, if (I say) the Impertinent Scriblers of the Age, will still be demanding _Proofs_ and writing _Answers_, he has reason to throw down his _Pen_ in a rage, and pronounce the world, that cou’d give him such an interruption, unworthy to be blest with his future labours, and breath eternal Defiance to it, as irreconcilable, as the quarrel of the Sons of _Oedipus_. To which prudent Resolution, let us leave him till he can recover his Temper.
These Instances, _Madam_, will (I hope) suffice to shew that Men are themselves altogether as impertinent, as they maliciously misrepresent us. It is not for want of plenty of others that I content my self with these; but I am not willing to trouble you with any of an inferiour Character. These are all impertinents of _Mark_ and _Note_, and have severally the good fortune to find crowds of _Fools_ of their own Sex to applaud and admire them. _Impertinence_ is a failing, that has its _Root_ in _Nature_; but is not worth Laughing at, till it has receiv’d the finishing strokes of Art. A Man through natural defects may do abundance of incoherent, foolish Actions, yet deserve _Compassion_ and _Advice_ rather than _Derision_. But to see Men spending their Fortunes, as well as Lives, in a course of _Regular Folly_, and with an industrious, as well as expensive Idleness running through tedious _Systems_ of impertinence, wou’d have split the sides of _Heraclitus_, had it been his fortune to have been a Spectator. ’Tis very easie to decide which of these _Impertinents_ is the most signal; the _Vertuoso_ is manifestly without a Competitour. For our Follies are not to be measur’d by the degree of _Ignorance_, that appears in ’em, but by the Study, Labour and Expence they cost us to finish and compleat ’em. So that the more Regularity and Artifice there appears in any of our Extravagancies, the greater is the folly of ’em. Upon this Score it is, that the last mention’d deservedly claim the preference to all others; they have improv’d so well their Amusements into an Art, that the _Credulous_ and _Ignorant_ are induc’d to believe there is some secret Vertue, some hidden Mystery in those darling toys of theirs; when all their Bustling amounts to no more than a learned _Impertinence_, (for so they abuse the Term) and all they teach Men is, but a specious expensive method of throwing away both Time and Money.
I intend not in what remains to trouble you with any more such instances; because I am sensible these have already swell’d this _Letter_ to a _Volumn_, which was not at first my intent. I shall therefore dispatch the remaining part of the charge in; as few Words as possible. [Sidenote: _Dissimulation became necessary._] Amongst the rest _Dissimulation_ is none of the least _Blemishes_, which they endeavour to fix upon us. This Quality, though it can’t upon any occasion deserve the name of a _Vertue_, yet according to the present Constitution of the World, is many times absolutely necessary, and is a main ingredient in the Composition of Human Prudence. It is indeed oftentimes criminal, but it is only accidentally so, as Industry, Wit, and most other good Qualities may be, according, to the Ends and Purposes to which they are misemploy’d. Dissimulation is nothing but the hiding or disguising our secret thoughts, or Inclinations under another appearance. I shall not endeavour to absolve our Sex wholly from all use of this Quality, or Art (call it which you please) because I think it may upon many occasions be used with Innocence enough, and upon some can’t without great Imprudence be omitted. The World is too full of _Craft_, _Malice_, and _Violence_, for absolute _Simplicity_ to live in it. It behoves therefore our Sex as well as the other to live with so much Caution, and Circumspection in regard to their own Security, that their Thoughts and Inclinations may not be seen so naked, as to expose ’em to the _Snares_, designs, and practices of _Crafty Knaves_, who wou’d make a property of ’em; or lay ’em open to the wicked _Efforts_, and mischievous Impressions of _Envy_, or _Malice_, whose pleasure springs from the hurt of others. Nothing gives our Adversaries so great an advantage over us, as the knowledge of our Opinions, and Affections, with something agreable to which they will be sure to bate all their Traps and Devices. For this reason it is that it has been Proverbially said of Old, that, _He that knows not how to dissemble, knows not how to live_. The Experience of all Ages since has confirm’d this Observation, and ours no less than any of the Preceding.
This premis’d, I suppose no Wise Man will blame our Sex for the use of an Art so necessary, to preserve ’em from becoming a _Prey_ to every designing Man, an Art of which himself must make great use to deserve that Title. Yet I am afraid, that upon enquiry our Sex will not be found to have so much of it as is requisite, at least not generally; Our sedentary Life, and the narrow Limits to which our Acquaintance, and Business are Circumscrib’d, afford us so little Variety, so regular a Face of things, that we want the means of obtaining the Mastery of so useful an Art, which no question but we shou’d as soon acquire as Men, had we but equal Opportunities. Hence it is that _Women_ are more apt to show their _Resentments_ upon all _Provocations_ than _Men_; and are thought naturally more _Peevish_ and _Captious_, by those that apprehend not the true reason; Whereas _Men_ are altogether as _Stomachful_, and take _Offence_ as soon, but they cover and suppress their Indignation better, not with a design to forget any Injury receiv’d, but to wreak their _Revenge_ more covertly and effectually. This is another advantage Men derive from liberty of Conversation and promiscuous Business, wherein the Variety of Contingencies they have to provide against, and the Diversity of Tempers they deal with, force ’em to turn and wind themselves into all _Shapes_, and accommodate themselves to all Humours.
There is indeed yet a higher sort of _Dissimulation_, [Sidenote: _Dissimulation when criminal._] which is always Criminal, that is when Men not only cloud their real _Sentiments_ and Intentions, but make Profession of and seem zealously to affect the contrary; this by a more proper and restrain’d Name is call’d _Deceipt_, and is always us’d in an ill Sense. This Art is most practic’d in Courts where _Policie_, and _Ambition_ reign; there You may see _Enemies_ hugging and caressing one another with all outward _Expressions_ of _Tenderness_ and _Friendship_ imaginabe, while they are secretly contriving each others ruine. There you may see Men cringing to those, they wou’d _Spurn_ if they durst, and _Flattering_ those they despise and rail at behind; their _Backs_, The Court is a place where we come very rarely otherwise than as _Spectators_, not as _Actours_; as _Ornaments_, not as _Instruments_; and therefore are seldom involv’d in the guilty Practices of it. Nor is it the Court only, but all Places are infected with this Vice, where there is any Encouragement of Profit or Pleasure to be hop’d from successful Treachery, of which no Place is so barren as not to afford some. This Deceipt is so far from being the Vice of our Sex, that they are the common Object on which it is daily practic’d: Nothing is more frequently met with than false Love in Men, [Sidenote: _False Love commonly practic’d._] which is now grown so familiar, that a Company of Six of both Sexes can scarce meet, but a _Sham Passion_ commences immediately, is urg’d, protested, and sworn to be real with all imaginable Violence. If these false Arts, mock sighing, and Dying prevail upon any foolish, easie, credulous _Woman_, the _Sham Lover_ is blown up with the Success, he is big and in Labour till he be deliver’d of the Secret, which with great satisfaction he proclaims in all Places where he comes: ’tis his highest Exploit of _Gallantry_, which he will by no means lose the credit of. Thus he thinks her ruine a step to Reputation, and founds his own Honour upon her Infamy. This _Madam_ is the basest of Treachery; for they are not satisfied with the Success of their false Promises, and Oaths, but they insult over the weakness of a too fond _Woman_, and _Triumph_ in her Dishonour. I am sorry there are any _Women_ so foolish and forward, as to give hopes and encouragement to such ungenerous Fellows; yet we may be assur’d that they are not a quarter so many as those vain _Boasters_ wou’d make ’em. Much more be said on this head, but that I think it high time to pass on to the next, which is _Enviousness_, so foul a Blot to a fair Character, that no Merit can wash it out, or atone sufficiently for it.
_Envy_ is the Parent of _Calumny_, and the Daughter of _Jealousie_. Men seldom envy others, [Sidenote: _Enviousness_] till they fear being out strip’d by ’em in Fortune or Reputation. It is the most criminal, because the most injurious to Vertue, and worth of all our natural Failings, against which it’s Malice is generally bent. This vice and _Jealousie_ seem to be more particularly hated of _Providence_ than any other; For they carry their Punishment inseparably along with ’em, The Envious and the Jealous need no other Tormentours than their own Thoughts. The Envious Man ruines his own to disturb anothers Tranquillity, and sacrifices his own Happiness and Repose to a perverse Desire of troubling his Neighbours. He feeds like _Toads_ upon the Venome of the Earth, and sucks in Scandal greedily, that he may at Pleasure disgorge it to the greater annoyance of other Men. His mind has the _Vapours_, a Sweet Report of any one throws it into Convulsions, and Agonies, and a foul one is the Releif and Refreshment of it. A wholesome Air free from the Blasts of _Detraction_ and _Slander_ is as certainly pernicious to him, as _Ireland_ to _Frogs_ and _Toads_. This Vice is generally disclaim’d by both Sexes, yet generally practic’d by both. Men love as little to have their Reputation as their Chimneys over-topt by their Neighbours; For they think by that means their names become dark, as their Houses do smoaky by the other: Yet thro’ a lazy Malignity had rather pull the other’s down to their Level, than build their own up higher. This Humour prevails indeed, yet not in equal Measure in both Sexes. For as we have confessedly less _Ambition_, so have we apparently less of this Poison which usually attends it, and arises from a self Interested Principle, which makes ’em endeavour by base sinister means to level that Merit which they think stands in their way to Preferment, and which they despair of being able to surmount by honourable attempts.
For what need any one use base Sleights to stop the Man, whom by fair Speed he thought he cou’d overtake. No sooner is any Man rais’d to any Eminence in the World, but half the Sex at least join in Confederacy to raise a Battery of Scandal against him, to bring him down again.
_Honour_ is the _Pillory_ of great Desert, whither a Man is no sooner rais’d, but the vile Rascally inferiour Croud gather immediately together, to throw Dirt at him, and make that which was intended as a Grace, and Reward, but a more honourable Punishment. Our Sex seldom arrive to this Pitch of Envy, our Ambition is more bounded, and our Desires sooner satisfied. Hence it is that we are less troubl’d at the Prosperity of others; for not giving our selves the Liberty of aiming at things far out of our Power, they are the sooner compass’d, and we the sooner at Ease. He, that thinks himself Happy, is incapable of Envying another’s Felicity, since he sees him possess’d of nothing which either he has not or despises not. Yet it must be confess’d that the lesser Piques, and Grudgings are daily to be met with among us, but no less among Men. What is it that spawns daily such Fryes of _Satyrists_ without Wit, and _Criticks_ without Judgment, but this humour of carping, and nibbling at the Reputation of others? But they are generally abundantly furnisht with Impudence, a good Quality that commonly supplies largely the want of all other.
[Sidenote: _Character of a City Critick_] A _Critick_ of this sort is one that for want of _Wit_ sets up for _Judgment_; yet he has so much Ambition to be thought a _Wit_, that he lets his _Spleen_ prevail against _Nature_, and turns _Poet_. In this Capacity he is as just to the World as in the other Injurious. For as the _Critick_ wrong’d ev’ry Body in his Censure, and snarl’d, and grin’d at their Writings, the _Poet_ gives ’em Opportunity to do themselves Justice, to return the Compliment and laugh at or despise his. He wants nothing but Wit to fit him for a _Satyrist_, yet he has _Gall_ and _Vanity_ enough to dispence with that Want, and write without it. His works are _Libells_ upon others, but _Satyrs_ upon himself, and while they _Bark_ at Men of _Wit_, call him Fool that writ ’em. He takes his Malice for a Muse, and thinks himself inspir’d when he is only _Possess’d_, and blown up with a Flatus of _Envy_ and _Vanity_. His great helps to Poetry are _Crambo_, and _Arithmetick_, by which he aspires to Chime, and Numbers, yet mistakes frequently in the tale of his Fingers. He has a very great _Antipathy_ to his own Species, and hates to see a Fool any where but in his Glass. For (as he says) they _Provoke_ him _And offend his Eyes_: [Sidenote: _7th. Satyre of Boileau Eng._] He _Follows ’em as a Dog persues his Prey, and barks whenere_ He _smells ’em in his way_: He _knows, to say no more_ that _Wit is scarce, to gingle out a Rhime, or tag a Verse: Or Cobble wretched Prose to numerous Lines: There if he has a Genius there it shines_. His Fund of _Criticism_ is a Set of Terms of Art pickt out of the _French Criticks_,